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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25944730">Chasing the Light</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanPan86/pseuds/NanPan86'>NanPan86</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Chicago PD (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:49:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>25,630</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25944730</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanPan86/pseuds/NanPan86</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>**Epilogue Added!!**</p><p>“Please Jay. It doesn't have to mean anything...It won't mean anything. Just for tonight. Please."</p><p>Sometimes it's all you can do, wait, endure and keep shining, knowing that eventually, your light will reach where it is supposed to reach and shine for who it is supposed to shine for. It is never easy, but it is ALWAYS worth it. TKG</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>166</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>135</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. What hurts the most</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey! Welcome back! Think I found a thought I could work with here...we'll see. The first chapter is a little short, but the next one is significantly longer. Also, there will be some time jumps here...Enjoy~Nan</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hailey stands in her kitchen, her body practically vibrating with a mix of emotions.  She can’t quite pinpoint what exactly she is feeling, but it’s a strange cross of disappointment, anger, and heartbreak.  How did she let this happen?  Somewhere over the last couple of months, she had forgotten what this was.  Forgotten what they had agreed to.  She wishes more than anything that she had taken the time to get dressed before she had rushed after him.</p><p>“You knew what I wanted from the start.  Don’t stand there and make this out to be all my fault.”  He yanks his shirt over his head and turns to look at her.  His gaze hardens at the tears in her eyes.</p><p>The man standing in her kitchen could be a complete stranger.  This is not Jay...not the Jay she knows anyway.  The cold look in his eyes confirms her worst fears.  She never had him...he was never hers and maybe this really was all her fault.  Pulling the sheet tighter around her body, she gathers the courage she needs to be able to tell him this is the end, that she messed up.</p><p>“You’re right.”  Her voice is quiet, but there is a strength behind her words.  “I blurred the lines, and I can admit that.  This...whole thing was a mistake.  I never should have talked you into this in the first place.”  She pauses, thinking about what else she needs to say, and Jay takes that moment to speak.</p><p>“I meant what I said.  Your friendship matters to me.  I need us to still be…”</p><p>Hailey’s mirthless laugh cuts him off.  Friends...he thinks they can still be friends after everything?  </p><p>“You should leave.”  She holds the sheet tight against her chest as she moves to the door, opening it. </p><p>Jay follows her to the door with a sinking feeling of dread heavy in his stomach.  When he steps through the door he turns, expecting her to say something...maybe beg him to stay or reconsider, but she only stares at the floor.</p><p>“Hailey please, can we just go back to what we were before?”  He doesn’t want to lose her as a friend.  </p><p>“No...No we can’t just go back.  I’m in love with you Jay.  I love you.”  The tears she had fought so hard not to shed begin to fall.  </p><p>“Stop saying that!”  He doesn’t want to hear her tell him that.  “I don’t love you.  Do you understand that?  I won’t.”  He sees the words register with her and the look of devastation that crosses her face, but he pushes on, twisting the knife.  </p><p>“I will never love you.  I was upfront from the beginning about what this was.  No strings attached...ringing any bells?  You are the one who broke the rules...not me.  I’m sorry if your feelings got hurt, but that’s on you.”  He drags a hand through his hair and looks out towards the street, wondering if he can say anything that will fix this.  Some way to salvage their friendship.</p><p>“Well...at least I’m good for something right?  Unloveable but fuckable.”  Her voice is void of any emotion and the look she gives him scares the fuck out of him.  </p><p>Apparently her father had been telling her the truth when he’d shout at her that nobody would love someone like her.  Every slap and backhand had been punctuated with those words.  ‘Worthless little piece of shit...nobody loves you Hailey.  Nobody cares about you.  Better get used to it now.’  A part of her just turns off at the realization.  She no longer has the energy to do this...to fight for him.  She turns to walk away, not even caring if he lets her close the door or not, but his hand darts out to grip her wrist and she stops, looking over her shoulder at him.</p><p>“No.  Hailey no, that’s not…” The shattered look in her eyes stops his heart and he tries to backtrack, tries to tell her what he had meant, but she doesn’t give him the chance.</p><p>“Goodbye Jay.”  She manages to pull the door closed after, flicking the lock, and ignores his panicked voice as he calls out for her, banging his fist against the door.</p><p>Somehow she makes it to her room before she completely falls apart.  She had fallen in love with someone who could never love her, and in one fell swoop, she’d lost her best friend too.  </p><p>She lets herself cry until she feels like there isn’t a single drop of water left in her body, and then she stands.  She untangles herself from the sheet and drags her broken self into the shower.  Under the stream of the steaming water, she tries to piece herself back together.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Let’s make a deal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I cannot handle your reviews for the first chapter!  Thank you so much for every single one, even the ones who left comments on both this site and fan fiction because you Can use emojis here lol.</p><p>This takes place 2 months before the first chapter...~Nan</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>2 Months Ago</p><p>“I don’t care what you thought you were doing!  You put yourself...my entire team in jeopardy!  Do you understand that?”  The vein in Voights neck and forehead is throbbing with his anger and Hailey tries to shrink back in the chair without actually moving.</p><p>“I got the kid out.”  That’s the job...wasn’t it?  </p><p>If it’s possible, Voight gets even angrier.  Hailey can see the way the heat of it creeps up his neck until his face is painted red to match.</p><p>“Get out of my office.”  The barely controlled way he speaks to her spikes her heart rate and she doesn’t move.  </p><p>“Sarge...I..” She starts but the look he gives her stops her cold.</p><p>“You almost died!  Don’t you get that?”  His hand slams down on the desk as he rises and Hailey jerks back in shock.  He stands now, leaning on the desk, and a part of her feels like she is 13 years old again and she blinks to keep Voight in focus.  </p><p>She catches her jacket a second before it hits her face and she sucks in a breath sharply.  Hailey closes her eyes and tries to remain calm.  Almost as if it has a mind of its own, her finger slides along the side until it finds the torn material where the bullet had pierced her jacket.  The only person she told about her jacket was Jay.  Someone she thought wouldn’t run straight to their boss at first chance.</p><p>“You got shot today.”  He’s eerily calm again and Hailey hates it.  “Yeah, you got the kid out but at what cost?”  The way he sits back and the finality in his words makes her panic.  </p><p>“We’ve been over this again and again...I can’t do my job if you guys insist on breaking the rules...breaking protocol.  I’m benching you.”  His glare cuts her protest off. </p><p>“You will come to work.  You will do any and all paperwork given to you and you will do it all without a single argument.  Am I clear?”  His arms folded across his chest and he waited for her to respond.  </p><p>“Think carefully about what the next words out of your mouth are Upton, cause if they aren’t ‘yes sir’ the next option is back on patrol with no chance of getting back in my unit.”  He leaves it there, letting her absorb the new threat.</p><p>She can’t bring herself to look him in the eyes.  A part of her is scared of him right now which annoys her, but a bigger part of her is ashamed that she disappointed him.  She had watched Jay and Adam get the same treatment when they had gone off book and she had sworn she wouldn’t be the next screw up.  Yet here she is, where she never wanted to be.  </p><p>Keeping her eyes on the floor, she tells him she will do what he asked.  She wants to stay on his team.  When he dismisses her, she shakily stands and opens his door.  She wants to run, but she forces herself to take calm measured steps until she reaches her desk, and she grabs her things while ignoring the worried looks from her coworkers.</p><p>“Hailey, wait.”  Jay catches up to her just outside the main doors and he keeps hold of her arm as he guides them around the corner to a more private spot.  “What happened up there?”  His eyes are full of concern as he looks at her.</p><p>Hailey lets out a harsh laugh at his audacity.  “Like you don’t already know.  How’d he get my jacket, Jay?”  Her eyes bore into his daring him to tell her otherwise.</p><p>“I didn’t tell him anything.  He asked to look at your jacket and I gave it to him.  If I had refused, he would have known something was up.”  He steps back from her, angry and a little hurt that she is blaming him for her recklessness today.  He watches as her eyes close in defeat, and he does the only thing he knows she will let him do right now.</p><p>“Come on.  We’ll pick up a pizza and a couple of six packs and we can hash this out at my place.”  His hand moves to her shoulder as he leads her to his truck, keeping his grip light in case she wants to decline.  She just walks along with him, and then sits quietly as he orders the pizza.</p><p>“I’m sorry Jay.”  She doesn’t specify for what, she is sorry for it all.  For breaking the rules, for running in blind...without backup, for putting everyone at risk, and then for blaming him.  Her whispered apology sounds so loud in the cab of his truck, and when she turns to look at him, the look on his face has tears gathering in her eyes.  </p><p>“I get it Hailey.  You want to save everyone...but what about us?  What about the people who are stuck watching you destroy yourself to save someone else?  Does your life mean nothing to you?  Do...do I mean so little to you that you’d be completely okay if your recklessness forced me to watch you get hurt or...or killed?”  When she doesn’t answer, he shakes his head and starts his truck, pulling out of the lot.  </p><p>BREAK</p><p>She had barely touched her pizza.  The tension in the truck has made her stomach hurt and when Jay had handed her the box of pizza to hold, she had to breathe through her mouth to control her sudden bout of nausea.  </p><p>She tips the last of her beer into her mouth and then reaches for another one before she even sets the empty bottle fully down.</p><p>Jay sees her reaching for another bottle and takes the full one away from her before he moves the nearly empty case to the floor.</p><p>“Getting drunk isn’t going to solve anything.”  He keeps his voice gentle, knowing she is probably still digesting what he said to her in the parking lot.</p><p>“Yeah, well...trying to control me isn’t going to help either so just back off Jay.  You’re not my keeper.”  She shoots him a look and then stands, intent on leaving, but Jay blocks her.</p><p>“So what do you want?”  He doesn’t touch her, just uses the size of his body to keep her from leaving.</p><p>“I don’t know.”  Her hands shove at her hair and she thinks she really isn’t sure what she wants right now.</p><p>“That’s not good enough.  What do you want, Hailey?”  He doesn’t shout, but it’s so much louder this time and when she shakes slightly at the force of his words, he makes an effort to rein in his emotions.</p><p>“I just want to forget okay!  For a fucking second, I want to forget that I messed up and that Voight benched me, and that I...I put you in an impossible situation today.”  Her voice waivers slightly and she swallows to stop it.  Taking a deep breath, she steps closer to him until her toes bump his, and she has to tip her head back to see his eyes.  Her hand hovers at his chest for a second before she presses it over his heart, and the beat of his heart calms her some.</p><p>“Help me forget Jay.  Please...just this one time...just make it stop.”  Her lips press firmly against his and when he sort of gasps in shock, she plunges her tongue into his mouth and deepens the kiss.  She doesn’t even care that he isn’t kissing her back, she just slides her hands to his neck and pulls him closer.  </p><p>Jay cannot believe she is kissing him.  He’d be lying if he said he never thought about Hailey like this, but he had slammed the door shut before anything could happen.  They were good partners and she was his friend...his best friend.  He needs to stop this before it goes too far. </p><p>His hands push against her shoulders to back her up and the little whimper of protest is possibly one of the sexiest sounds he has ever heard.  Before he can ask her what the hell she is thinking, she speaks.</p><p>“Please Jay.  It doesn’t have to mean anything...It won’t mean anything.  Just for tonight.  Please.”  Her broken ‘please’ does it, and suddenly he turns them both and presses her against the wall.  His lips crash against hers and his hands roam her body.</p><p>“Just sex.  No feelings, no strings?”  He manages to pull back again to clarify the rules here, because the last thing he needs right now is another doomed workplace relationship.  </p><p>“Just sex.”  She nods frantically and pants out between kisses as her back arches from the friction his lower body is creating against her.  She tries to pull him back to her, but he holds his head back.  She wonders if she should have turned down his offer to do ‘their thing’ tonight and found a guy in a bar instead, but Jay was here and she doesn’t have it in her to leave now.</p><p>“Just tonight?  And then we go back to being what we are?  You and me...partners and friends?”  He just needs to be sure she understands what he wants from this too.  </p><p>“Fuck Jay...yes.”  She grabs his face in her hands to get his eyes on hers.  “This is just sex between friends who need to blow off some steam...that just need to forget about the bad stuff for a night.  I don’t want anything from you.”  </p><p>A mischievous smile takes up her face and she presses her lips to his quickly once more before she pulls back to add one last thing.  “I only want your body Jay.  Now stop talking and fuck me.”  </p><p>The last two words are whispered into his ear and she laughs at the way his body tenses up.  Her mouth curves up once again and she can see the shock on his face from her words, but she couldn’t care less right now.  </p><p>Once the shock wears off, he practically attacks her.  His hands move over her in a blur and in his haste to get her top off, he sends the buttons flying across his living room.  He mumbles out an apology against her lips and then he flicks open the clasp of her bra.  </p><p>“Jesus Hailey...you’re so fucking perfect.”  He slides his palms over the small but firm mounds of her breasts wanting to savor every second of this.</p><p>“I don’t need words Jay.  This isn’t about that.”  His approval of her body sent a jolt of satisfaction through her and for a split second, she was happy to have pleased him, but that was what lovers do.  They weren’t that. </p><p>“I can’t appreciate your body?”  He leans back now, trying to understand what she wants.</p><p>She lets out an annoyed breath at the pause, and when she looks back up at him, her eyes are pure fire and lust.  Her hand pulls his up and holds it over her breast and she arches her back into the forced touch.</p><p>“Just show me Jay.”  And he does.  Their touches turn desperate and hurried and soon they both are naked and Jay has both hands on her thighs as he nudges the length of his erection against her.  He thankfully has a new box of condoms and he keeps her legs wrapped around him and his lips planted on hers as he carries her back to his bedroom to get them.  </p><p>She had refused the bed, saying it was too intimate and so he had pressed her against the bedroom door.  The breathless way she tells him she is ready when his fingers seek her out makes him moan, and he has to stop himself from slamming into her wet heat. </p><p>The agonizingly slow pace he sets as he pushes into her drives her crazy and she uses her legs to pull his body flush against hers.  When he is finally completely inside her, she tips her hips and rocks them, letting him know she is good to go.  Her head thumps against the door as he snaps his hips faster and faster until she is squeezing her eyes tight against the onslaught of pleasure he brings her.</p><p>“Fuck yes…” She moans into his ear as she comes down from her high.  Pressing her face into his neck, she can only hold on as he drives into her chasing his own release.</p><p>Their breathing is ragged and her legs feel like jello when he sets her back down on the floor.  She doesn’t move and lets the door keep her steady as she watches Jay disappear into the bathroom to dispose of the condom and then she hears the faucet running.  </p><p>She doesn’t speak as she slowly follows her trail of clothes back out into the hallway and pulls on her pants and bra quickly, before turning back to his room.  He is standing in the doorway just watching her, and she stops short.</p><p>“Can I borrow a shirt?”  She motions to her now ruined flannel and the torn cami from under it.  He grabs a plain black shirt and tosses it to her, watching as she pulls it over her head.</p><p>“You can stay if you want to.”  He tries not to make a big deal out of the offer.  They’ve spent the night at the others plenty of times...just not after what he would say was ‘incredible’ sex.</p><p>“I want to...which is why I’m gonna go.”  She walks towards him and stops an inch from him.  “Thank you, Jay.”  Her lips brush lightly against his and then she pulls back, walking slowly away from him.  She pauses at his door and looks over her shoulder at him.</p><p>“See you tomorrow partner.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Longing for Yesterday</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi!  Sorry for the delay.  I don’t like to wait to long between postings but I broke two fingers on my left hand and I’ve obviously been struggling with typing.  Thankfully I had most of this chapter done but needed to type up the middle part.  It may be a bit before I’m able to post again, but I will try to do my best to get it to you as fast as I can.</p><p>I also have the kitchen scene from the first chapter at the end of this one.  I couldn’t find a good stopping point so when you get to it, and wonder if you’ve seen it before....that’s why.</p><p>Hope you enjoy!~Nan</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jay stands outside Hailey’s apartment and tugs his jacket tighter around him.  If he had to pick a month that he hated, it would be February.  It was always so damn cold and windy and so much snow.  Yeah, he hated this month.</p><p>He blows into his gloved hands and wonders if he should knock or just go home.  They had only agreed to that one time and they had kept their word and gone back to being partners and friends without a problem.  He had expected things to be weird or a little awkward at least, but she had shown up the next morning like nothing had happened.</p><p>The day's events have been on a never ending loop since he left the station and now, a little over 4 hours later it’s all he can see.  One of his informants, a young woman, just turned 18, had been purposefully trapped in a building after her older brother found out she was giving information to the police.  She had been burned alive and her cries for help as he stood helpless and watched the fire department try to save her...it’s not something he’s going to be able to forget soon.</p><p>The noise in his head is deafening and he wonders if this is how she had felt that night.  If this what drove her to cross the line with him.  He hasn’t felt like this...so out of control of his own thoughts in a long time and he hates it.</p><p>He ends up banging on her door until she opens it, and then he just stares at her.  She looks like she had been sleeping and a small part of him feels bad for pulling her from her bed at this hour.</p><p>“Jay?”  She pushes her hair behind her ears and then crosses her arms over her chest.  It’s just after midnight and she is just now realizing that her sleep shirt does little to cover her body.</p><p>“I want a night.”  Even as he says it, he can hear the slight edge of desperation in his tone and he lets out a breath of frustration at her confused stare.</p><p>“You asked for a night to forget, a night to just...let go.”  His hand drags over the cap on his head.  “I need that.  After today, I...can’t stop hearing her screaming for help.”  His eyes close, trying to stop seeing the smiling face of the girl he knew, trying to curb his emotions.</p><p>Realization suddenly dawns on Hailey.  She knows why he is here.  Even though it will crush her, she can do this one thing for him.  He looks like he is about to say something else but she reaches out and takes his hands removing his gloves, pulling him inside her front door.</p><p>It’s all the confirmation Jay needs and he tangles his hands in her hair as he pulls her against him in a bruising kiss.  All he wants is to bury himself inside her and let her make him feel better, make him forget.</p><p>Hailey gasps as his ungloved hands sweep down her sides to the hem of her shirt.  He grabs her thighs and lifts her like she weighs nothing, walking them both to the couch.  Her chin knocks against his when he sits and she hurries to kiss him again before he apologizes.  She pulls the cap from his head and then starts on his jacket.  Her fingers fumble with the zipper when his hand slides around her backside and teases the heat between her legs.</p><p>He wants to feel her body.  Let her body heat warm him, so he drags her shirt over her head and just stares at her.  Something in her eyes  sets off little bells of warning in his head, like maybe this means more for her.  </p><p>“I just need your body.”  His words mimic hers from that first time and he keeps the others that want to spill out to himself.  He can’t handle anything else from her.  It wouldn’t work out and failed relationship after relationship makes it pretty clear he is not cut out to love.  Losing her completely would destroy him.  </p><p>So when her lips dip towards his again, he turns his head to avoid them, letting her lips graze his neck.  His palms lift her slightly so he can get his pants off and without the dizzying effect her mouth has on him, he can keep things where they need to be.  He wants sex...to fuck the noise away.  That’s all.</p><p>Hailey doesn’t understand the sudden change in him, but she’s too caught up in what his hands are doing to her body to question it.  She wants to take the pain in his eyes away.  He may not be willing to give her his mouth, but she can still give him hers.  </p><p>Jay groans at the sight of his partner sliding off his lap and kneeling on the floor before him.  He wants more than this tonight, but he isn’t going to stop her just yet.  He has to physically restrain himself from gripping her hair and forcing her mouth further onto him.  Fuck...her mouth is pure sin.  He lets her work him over for as long as he can stand it and then with more force than he intended, he hauls her back onto his lap.  </p><p>Hailey struggles with the condom he shoves into her hands and her head drops to his shoulder when one then two fingers push inside her.  </p><p>“Jay.” The breathy moan slips out and finally she manages to get the condom on him, her eyes locking onto his.  “Whatever you need Jay.  I’m here...take what you need.”  Her right hand ghosts over the side of his face and into his hair and she lets out a small sound of shock when his firm grip yanks her hand down and away from him.</p><p>Gentleness is the last thing he wants right now.  He keeps her in his arms as he stands and moves to the side of the couch before he sets her back on her feet.  He gives her no time to question his move, just turns her quickly and pushes her, face down, onto the back of the couch.  He doesn’t want to hurt her, he just wants to take away some the intimacy that comes with face to face sex.</p><p>Hailey wants to protest, to tell him he is scaring her, even though it isn’t quite fear she is feeling.  The way he is completely detaching himself from the situation causes an uneasy feeling to spread through her.  It’s Jay and she trusts him, but the way he is treating her feels dirty...wrong.  She’s about to speak up when his hands run the length of her back and he slowly sinks into her.</p><p>He whispers her name, asking if she is okay and all Hailey can manage is a small nod.  None of this is okay though.  Tonight will be the last time.  It has to be.  She can’t separate her feelings as well as she thought and he seems to want nothing more than her body.  She can’t blame him though...it was what she proposed.</p><p>Jay had felt the moment her body went tense and for a moment he had wondered if he hurt her, but she said she was okay.  He can’t see her eyes...which was the whole point of placing her on the back of the couch, but now he can’t tell if she is lying or not.  He keeps his pace slow but sure, waiting for her to get back with him.  He slides his left hand along the ridge of her hip and follows it around, pressing his fingers against her.  The way she clenches around him fuels him, and he begins to pick up the pace.</p><p>He loses himself completely and the reasons for coming here tonight are the last thing on his mind right now.  He wishes things were different.  Wishes he could give her what she deserves, but he just doesn’t have it in him.  This pleasure is something he can give to her and feel with her.  </p><p>Her first orgasm rolls through her and she cries out in shock at the suddenness of it.  His thrusts are quick and deep and before she even recovers from the first, she is hurtling towards another climax.  She tips her hips slightly to help him reach that spot that makes her forget her name and then her mouth opens in a silent scream as she lets go a second time.  She can feel his hips stutter and then the unmistakable feel of him jerking against her lets her know he finished as well.</p><p>Jay works to control his breath and lets his body rest over hers.  He wants to hold her, to thank her for giving him this, but he only stands and moves away from her.  He takes care of the condom and when he returns from the little bathroom off the side of the kitchen, Hailey is gone.  There’s a pillow and blanket on the couch though and while he would much rather spend the night in a bed, he doesn’t want to drive right now.  </p><p>It’s only when he is settled on the couch that he realizes they had barely spoken the entire time tonight.  A handful of words had been exchanged and he worries things may have shifted in the wrong direction for them.  He pulls his phone out of his pocket and sends her a quick text.</p><p>Jay:  Are we okay?  Did I fuck up by coming here tonight?</p><p>He holds his breath as he sees that she read the text and the little bubbles pop up to tell him she is typing.  The seconds tick by and at the 2 minute mark, he contemplates going upstairs to confront her but her reply finally comes through.</p><p>Hailey:  All good.  It’s been a difficult day...we should get some rest.<br/>Jay:  Are you sure we’re okay?  It feels different this time.</p><p>Hailey reads the text and closes her eyes against the sudden sting of tears.  If she answers truthfully, he’ll probably never trust her again.  She had said she could do just sex but she had been wrong.  Being with Jay was unlike anything she had ever experienced.  He was her best friend and he understood her.  If she can’t get it together, she could lose him altogether.  She realizes she hasn’t responded yet and hurries to do so.</p><p>Hailey:  Seriously, everything is fine.  Can I use the gym at your building tomorrow morning?  </p><p>She tries to change the topic, she really does like his gym.  Especially on Fridays when most of the members at her gym decide to work from home and stay at the gym all morning, hogging the machines.</p><p>Jay:  Oaky.  We can do that.<br/>Jay:  Thank you Hailey.  </p><p>She sees the message light up her screen but she doesn’t respond.  He thanked her...for sex.  God she was such an idiot.  How on earth is she here again...in love with her partner?</p><p>BREAK</p><p>She kept her word about going to the gym that next morning, but there was a definite strain between them now.  She knew after that first night that keeping her heart out of things was not an option and she had done her best to keep things light between them for the sake of their partnership.  She wasn’t able to do that this time around though.  She had pulled back from him to the point that even her coworkers noticed. </p><p>She had practically jumped at the opportunity to work with her old unit for a case that had come up.  Jay had tried to question her, but she had brushed him off telling him she had worked the original case and just wanted to help.  He had reluctantly let her go, but she could tell her behavior was bothering him.</p><p>BREAK</p><p>Jay climbs the stairs up to the bullpen and out of habit, his eyes sweep over to Hailey’s desk.  She’s been working with Robbery/Homicide for the past few weeks and he misses her.  He isn’t sure what happened after he showed up at her place, but almost immediately, things had deteriorated.  She still responds when he texts her about the progress of her case, but it’s formal and almost like they don’t even know each other.  Her schedule has been insane, and any time he tried to see her, just to hang out, she either wasn’t home or she purposely wasn’t answering her door.  He’s got an unsettling feeling it’s the latter.</p><p>He is partnered with Kim for today and he tries his best to stay focused on what she is saying.  She doesn’t deserve his anger and frustration being taken out on her so when she suggests that they grab lunch while they are out.  They choose a deli and eat the sandwiches in the truck while they listen to the radio on low.</p><p>They are nearly finished with their lunch when Jay’s phone rings followed immediately by Kims.  The sandwiches are forgotten and Jay has the truck in drive before Kim even has a chance to understand what Adam is telling her on the phone.</p><p>“It’s Hailey.”  Jay tries to fill in the gaps for her as they drive and he prays that Hailey is okay.  She needs to be okay.</p><p>BREAK</p><p>They were closing in a string of bank robberies that had been popping up in Englewood.  Hailey’s eyes felt like she was blinking through sand from staring at security footage all night long, but she had gotten a lead.  They were able to get a partial plate from one of the neighboring stores cameras and from there, they tracked the car to other cameras until the plates were fully visible.</p><p>She is currently sitting outside a small branch bank with one of the newest members to this unit.  Marshall Wickam was the father of the most beautiful little boy Hailey had ever seen and his wife was due with their second child in May.  He was funny and kind and he treated Hailey much better than her last partner from this unit...not that that was a hard thing to do.</p><p>“All right, we got something.”  Marshall motions to the side street and Hailey updates the rest of the unit.  She sees him starting to get out of the car and she doesn’t agree.</p><p>“We should wait for the team.  They are less than 5 minutes out.”  It’s odd that Hailey is the voice of reason right now, but going inside right now feels like a bad idea.</p><p>“They’re right there Upton.  Let’s go.”  He opens the door and stands, leaning his head back in to speak to her.  “I’m not gonna be the reason they get away...are you?”</p><p>BREAK</p><p>Her instincts had been right.  They should have waited.  They hadn’t even been inside the bank a full minute before the first bullet was fired.  One of the employees tried to stop a masked gunman from hurting a female coworker and the robber knocked him down and then pointed his gun right at him, pulling the trigger without a moment of hesitation.</p><p>“POLICE!  Drop your weapons!”  Marshall had leapt into action and simultaneously drew the attention of the other gunman to him.  </p><p>She isn’t sure how the bullets missed her, but she wasn’t struck as she made a dive for a partial wall.  Marshall wasn’t as lucky.  She can’t see how many times he was hit, but the shallow gurgling breaths coming from him lets her know that at least one bullet pierced his vest.  Hours seem to pass before the rest of the unit arrives and diffuses the situation.</p><p>She had rushed to Marshall, applying pressure as best as she could while she tried to determine the extent of his injuries.  She tries to speak as calmly as she can to him, reminding him he has a wife and son and another baby coming.  She begs him to breathe, to stay with her.  Please don’t die...please</p><p>BREAK</p><p>Jay and Kim pull into the hospital and head inside searching for anyone that can give them more information.  All they were told was that Robbery/Homicide was involved in a shootout and that an officer was critically injured.  They hadn’t specified if it was a male or female that was hit.  Images of Hailey, covered in blood and alone haven’t left his mind.  She wasn’t answering her phone and while there are a lot more members of Robbery?Homicide, he can’t shake the feeling that Hailey was involved today.  He just keeps praying that she is okay...that it wasn’t her.</p><p>They come through a set of double doors and Kim grabs his arm, stopping and turning him slightly at the same time.</p><p>There, completely secluded from the rest of the officers, Hailey is sitting in a chair.  She isn’t moving and her expression is one of exhaustion and defeat.  She looks miserable, and all Jay wants to do is go to her and drag her into his arms.  He wants to do a lot of things right now...hold her, apologize for messing things up with them...he wants to kiss her, to just feel that she is okay.  Even if it’s just for a second, he needs to feel she is okay.</p><p>“Hailey.”  Somehow he had moved so he was standing in front of her, but she doesn’t seem to see him.  His hand reaches out, but before he can touch her shoulder, Kim kneels in front of Hailey and takes her hands.  </p><p>Jay watches as she blinks her eyes to focus and then he can see the tears welling up.  Kim pulls her into a hug and he suddenly is jealous.  He wanted to hold her, but Kim had beaten him to it.  Now he just sits and stands awkwardly, waiting for them to finish.</p><p>“How are you doing?”  Kims voice is quiet as she pulls back from Hailey, ignoring the way she hastily wipes her eyes.</p><p>“I’m fine.  I wasn’t hurt.”  Hailey lets her eyes flicker to Jay for a split second.  She wonders if he will blame her too for what happened today.  An officer, who was apparently very close to Marshall had cornered her and put the whole situation of Hailey.  Yelling at her in front of the entire room that Marshall getting shot was on her, and she should have told him to wait for backup. She hadn’t said a word, just let him yell at her.  Not a single person came to her rescue...not that she needed rescuing, just nobody stepped in to stop him.</p><p>There’s blood on her pants and he can see the way it caked under her fingernails, and the slightly raw skin of her knuckles where she must have scrubbed too hard.  </p><p>“I’m gonna wait with you.”  The words are out and before he can stop it, his hand falls to her shoulder, giving it a light squeeze.  He drops his hand quickly when she flinches from his touch.  Thankfully, Kim was preoccupied with listening to a doctor that came to give an update.  She fills them both in when she turns back, unaware of the sudden tension.</p><p>“He’s got 3 fractured ribs and the bullet that pierced his vest tore a small hole in his left lung.  It missed his heart and all major arteries.”  She hugs Hailey again, telling her that it is going to be okay.  </p><p>BREAK</p><p>A little over two hours later, Marshall is finally wheeled into a recovery room and the final update is given to the waiting officers.  He’s going to be out of work for a while, but he will make a full recovery.  The collective murmur of ‘thanks’ and relieved exhales reaches back to where the three of them are sitting, and then everything gets quiet again.  </p><p>Hailey looks up to see why everyone had gone silent and she holds her breath as a pregnant woman talks to one of the officers.  She holds her breath as she watches the officer lift his hand towards her, pointing and if her legs didn’t feel like lead, she’d bolt.  Her breath hitches and she automatically reaches for Jay's hand, gripping it tightly.  </p><p>“You were with my husband today?”  Marshall’s wife comes to a stop and waits for Hailey to answer.</p><p>She takes a deep breath in, nodding.  She can’t seem to get any words out right now.  She lets out a shocked gasp when she is once again, pulled into a hug.</p><p>“Thank you.  For being there with him.”  And then she just turns and walks away, leaving Hailey completely stunned.  She was sure she was going to get blamed again or yelled at but she had only been thanked.  She just wants this day to be over.</p><p>Kim touches Hailey’s back and starts to walk her out of the room, intent on getting her home, and Jay follows.</p><p>BREAK</p><p>Somehow, Jay finds himself taking Hailey home and they are once again silent in his truck.  It seems to be the new normal for them and he can’t stand it.  He misses the way they used to talk or the easy silence that used to fall between them.  </p><p>Before he knows it, they are at her place, and he lets the truck idle, waiting for her.  </p><p>Hailey stares down at her hands and then to her front door.  She doesn’t want to be alone...not tonight.</p><p>“Can uh...can you stay for a bit?”  Her voice sounds small and uncertain, and just when she is sure he is going to tell her no, he puts the truck in park and turns the ignition off.</p><p>“Of course.”  He follows her inside and then takes a seat on the couch when she tells him she’s just to change real quick.</p><p>Her mind is racing again and the sudden need to feel something...anything other than what she is feeling bubbles up inside her.  She wants Jay...she wants him to make it better.  Her feet carry her down the hall and to him, and she wordlessly reaches out for his hand, pulling him to his feet.</p><p>She doesn’t stop until the back of his legs bump into her bed and then she pushes so he sits down.  She moves between his legs, tugging at his shirt and letting him lift hers.  Jay is much quicker at undressing her and within seconds, she is naked in front of him.</p><p>Jay isn’t sure what’s about to happen should, but he doesn’t want to stop.  He slides his hands up her waist and pulls her closer.  </p><p>The last thing Hailey expects is for Jay to press his lips to her breast bone and whisper to her.</p><p>“I thought it was you.  I was so fucking scared it was you.”  His voice trembles and he shuts his eyes.</p><p>The emotion in his voice has Hailey wondering if maybe he feels the same way.  She cups his face and tips it back so she can look into his eyes but whatever he sees in hers has him pushing her backwards and away from him.</p><p>“I can’t do this.”  He stands, zipping up his pants and reaching for his shirt.  He watches as Hailey grabs the sheet from the bed and wraps it around her.</p><p>“Can’t or won’t?”  Her eyes cut to his, and she fights to keep the tears back.  </p><p>“Stop.  I’m not doing this.  I’m going home.  I never should have gotten out of the truck.”  He starts to walk out of her room but stops when she speaks.</p><p>“You’re a coward.”  Her chest heaves with the force of her words, and she glares at him, needing him to respond.</p><p>“Maybe I am…” He turns now, shaking his head sadly as he walks out, unaware that Hailey is following him out into the kitchen.  This was supposed to about sex, about feeling something, but what he saw in her eyes...it looked a lot like love.  She wasn’t supposed to fall in love with him.  He’s suddenly angry at her.  Furious that she would dare to change the dynamic between them.  He whirls around to face to head back into the bedroom and stops shorts when he sees her standing there.</p><p>Hailey stands in her kitchen, her body practically vibrating with a mix of emotions.  She can’t quite pinpoint what exactly she is feeling, but it’s a strange cross of disappointment, anger, and heartbreak.  How did she let this happen?  Somewhere over the last couple of months, she had forgotten what this was.  Forgotten what they had agreed to.  She wishes more than anything that she had taken the time to get dressed before she had rushed after him.</p><p>“You knew what I wanted from the start.  Don’t stand there and make this out to be all my fault.”  He yanks his shirt over his head and turns to look at her.  His gaze hardens at the tears in her eyes.</p><p>The man standing in her kitchen could be a complete stranger.  This is not Jay...not the Jay she knows anyway.  The cold look in his eyes confirms her worst fears.  She never had him...he was never hers and maybe this really was all her fault.  Pulling the sheet tighter around her body, she gathers the courage she needs to be able to tell him this is the end, that she messed up.</p><p>“You’re right.”  Her voice is quiet, but there is a strength behind her words.  “I blurred the lines, and I can admit that.  This...whole thing was a mistake.  I never should have talked you into this in the first place.”  She pauses, thinking about what else she needs to say, and Jay takes that moment to speak.</p><p>“I meant what I said.  Your friendship matters to me.  I need us to still be…”</p><p>Hailey’s mirthless laugh cuts him off.  Friends...he thinks they can still be friends after everything?  </p><p>“You should leave.”  She holds the sheet tight against her chest as she moves to the door, opening it. </p><p>Jay follows her to the door with a sinking feeling of dread heavy in his stomach.  When he steps through the door he turns, expecting her to say something...maybe beg him to stay or reconsider, but she only stares at the floor.</p><p>“Hailey please, can we just go back to what we were before?”  He doesn’t want to lose her as a friend.  </p><p>“No...No we can’t just go back.  I’m in love with you Jay.  I love you.”  The tears she had fought so hard not to shed begin to fall.  </p><p>“Stop saying that!”  He doesn’t want to hear her tell him that.  “I don’t love you.  Do you understand that?  I won’t.”  He sees the words register with her and the look of devastation that crosses her face, but he pushes on, twisting the knife.  </p><p>“I will never love you.  I was upfront from the beginning about what this was.  No strings attached...ringing any bells?  You are the one who broke the rules...not me.  I’m sorry if your feelings got hurt, but that’s on you.”  He drags a hand through his hair and looks out towards the street, wondering if he can say anything that will fix this.  Some way to salvage their friendship.</p><p>“Well...at least I’m good for something right?  Unloveable but fuckable.”  Her voice is void of any emotion and the look she gives him scares the fuck out of him.  </p><p>Apparently her father had been telling her the truth when he’d shout at her that nobody would love someone like her.  Every slap and backhand had been punctuated with those words.  ‘Worthless little piece of shit...nobody loves you Hailey.  Nobody cares about you.  Better get used to it now.’  A part of her just turns off at the realization.  She no longer has the energy to do this...to fight for him.  She turns to walk away, not even caring if he lets her close the door or not, but his hand darts out to grip her wrist and she stops, looking over her shoulder at him.</p><p>“No.  Hailey no, that’s not…” The shattered look in her eyes stops his heart and he tries to backtrack, tries to tell her what he had meant, but she doesn’t give him the chance.</p><p>“Goodbye Jay.”  She manages to pull the door closed after, flicking the lock, and ignores his panicked voice as he calls out for her, banging his fist against the door.</p><p>Somehow she makes it to her room before she completely falls apart.  She had fallen in love with someone who could never love her, and in one fell swoop, she’d lost her best friend too.  </p><p>She lets herself cry until she feels like there isn’t a single drop of water left in her body, and then she stands.  She untangles herself from the sheet and drags her broken self into the shower.  Under the stream of the steaming water, she tries to piece herself back together.</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. So you let her go</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you all so much for your awesome and truly wonderful support of this story! I love all of your reviews and appreciate your well wishes on my hand. Typing with 3 fingers on one hand isn't as bad I find, the more I practice. I might be able to get back to posting every couple of days but with ~2000 words instead of +4000...my hand just gets real sore very quickly...anyway, THANKS again, enjoy ~Nan</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“If you do this, I can’t guarantee your spot will be here when you get back.”  Voight looks across his desk at Hailey.  He had thought she was going to be in this unit for the long haul.  It’s why he is so hard on her, but apparently she has other ideas.</p><p>“I know.  I just...I can’t stay.”  The feeling of disappointment she had felt when Voight had benched her is nothing compared to what she is feeling now.  He had taken a chance with her by bringing her into Intelligence, and she feels like she is letting him down.  Right now though...she just needs out.  Out of intelligence and out of Chicago.  She isn’t sure there’s a place far enough to escape the pain she is feeling.</p><p>She’s been in this odd sort of limbo for almost two weeks.  Two weeks since Marshall was shot...two weeks since things blew up with Jay.  She stopped in to see Marshall earlier this week and she had apologized for not being by sooner.  He had brushed off her words, stating that he was the one who was sorry and that he should have listened to her.  He told her he had set his team straight that what happened wasn’t Hailey’s fault.  She’d left the hospital no longer feeling extremely guilty for what happened, but she hadn’t been able to bring herself to come back to Intelligence.  </p><p>“When Lindsay called asking for a female loan out...I just assumed Burgess was gonna take it.  It never even occurred to me to offer it to you.”  He honestly thought Hailey would put up a fight about being split from Halstead, but she had come to him a little less than a week ago, asking for a change.  A big change.  She hadn’t told him why she wanted out, just made it clear she was leaving with or without his blessing.  It was pure luck that Lindsay had called two days before, looking for someone.</p><p>“I’m sorry Sarge.”  She doesn’t know what else to say.  She’s afraid of what might happen if she tells him the real reason she needs to leave.  She won’t put all the blame on Jay, no matter what happened.</p><p>“Hailey…” He leans back, studying her.  She’s calm...too calm and that’s never a good thing.  Especially for someone like Hailey, someone who already bottles everything up.  He knew something was up when she practically ran out of here after being offered a chance to work with her old team, but he didn’t think it was big enough to cause this.  </p><p>“If something happened...If Halstead did something…” He stops when she stands quickly, cutting him off.</p><p>“No.  Please, this is about me...what I’ve done.  Erin...ugh Agent Lindsay wants me in New York by Thursday.”  Three days...she has three days left in Chicago.</p><p>“Okay.”  He can clearly see she is dealing with something and he won’t try to talk her out of leaving.  “Hailey?” He waits for her to look back at him, her hand on the door.  “You gonna tell him?”  He doesn’t need to say his name, she knows.</p><p>She blinks away the sudden burn of tears, facing him fully.  “I don’t know.  It’s...things are complicated right now.”  She tries to keep her face blank, not wanting to appear weak.  </p><p>He stands and moves so he is closer to her.  “I’m not gonna tell you what to do here Hailey.  That isn’t my job, and it isn’t my place.”  His hand reaches out and settles on her shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze.  “It’s just...You were here after Erin left him...the way she left him.  Just think about that, okay?”  He leaves it at that, and then he walks out with her.  </p><p>The urge to cry is so strong that Hailey has to swallow hard and breathe deep to stop it.  She needs to leave but that doesn’t mean she wants to.  </p><p>BREAK</p><p>Hailey shoves her hands into her jacket and tries to look into the window of Mollys.  She didn’t tell anyone she was leaving tomorrow, which is why she is here now.  She doesn’t want to just leave, but hadn’t wanted to make a big deal about it either.  She knows the team usually meets at the bar on Tuesday nights when they can, because it’s wing night and they all love wings and beer.</p><p>She wants to say goodbye, but she isn’t sure she is ready to see Jay yet.  He hadn’t tried to contact her since that night and she was okay with that.  She just needs to suck it up and do this.  Taking a deep breath, she pulls open the door and steps inside.</p><p>Almost immediately Kevin spots her and calls out for her.  Jay isn’t at their table and she lets out a relieved breath.  Lifting a hand towards the bar, she lets them know she will be over after she grabs a drink.  </p><p>BREAK</p><p>Jay knew the second Hailey walked into the bar.  His head snapped over towards the door and he had soaked in the sight of her like it had been years instead of weeks since seeing her.  He had watched as her eyes scanned their usual table and then saw some of the tension leave her shoulders.  He knows it’s because she hadn’t seen him and that kills him.  </p><p>He had stayed away on purpose.  The words he had thrown at her that night have been playing over and over inside his head, and the longer he replays them, the more he realizes that he never deserved Hailey.  Not as a lover, not as a friend...maybe not even as a partner.  He will do anything to make sure he is never the reason for that look of devastation in her eyes again.  Even it means he cuts himself out of life completely.  He’s already proven she’s better off without him in hers anyway.</p><p>He nearly chokes on his beer when he sees her walking towards the bar.  Her eyes flick to his and then away just as fast before she changes direction and heads to the far end of the bar.  </p><p>“What the hell did you do Jay?”  Will is sitting next to Jay and saw the whole scene unfold.  </p><p>Jay drags his eyes away from Hailey’s profile and takes a long pull from his beer.  He could lie and tell him some bullshit story that Will would most likely believe, but for some reason, he tells him the truth.  The short version at least.  He barely gets the last word out before Will slaps him upside his head.  </p><p>“What the fuck Will?”  It was a hard smack and he rubs at the back of his head to stop the sting while he glares at him.</p><p>“Why would you say that to her?  I’ve seen the way you look at her...Hailey...she isn’t Erin, Jay.”  Will can not believe what Jay told him.  What’s worse is that he knows Jay had only given him an abbreviated version.  The reality of what happened is probably much worse.</p><p>“I know that.  I messed up.”  Another drink and heavy sigh.  “I don’t think I can fix it.  I lost my friend.”  He follows the back of her head as she makes her way to the table and the realization that nothing will ever be the way it was hits him hard.  His bottle slams down loud enough to draw the servers attention and he stands quickly, apologizing.  “I gotta go.”  He lays some bills down on the counter and then with one last look over at Hailey and his team, he walks out.</p><p>BREAK</p><p>She had stayed for almost an hour nursing the same beer the entire time.  There had been shock and a few tears from Kim, but for the most part, her team took her departure as well as could be expected.  They had all tried to get her to stay for another drink but she had made her excuses, promising to keep in touch.</p><p>She still hasn’t made up her mind about telling Jay.  Well, yes she’s going to tell him, she just isn’t sure she wants to do it in person or via text.  Keeping it impersonal would probably be for the best.  </p><p>When she steps onto her sidewalk, she notices a large shadow on her small stoop.  With the front light illuminating from the back, she can’t make out who it is.  The shadow stands as she comes to a stop and she instinctively recognizes the shape...the height.</p><p>“Please don’t leave.”  Jay stands, coming down off the step.</p><p>She wants to tell him that this is her place...why would she be the one to leave, but she just stands, hands in her pockets and her shoulders squared back like she is preparing for battle.  She makes no effort to come any closer, and she just stares at him with a blank face.</p><p>“Can we talk?”  He watches as she lets out a small huff of breath and looks away.</p><p>“It’s late Jay.”  </p><p>“Please...5 minutes Hailey.”  If he thought it would help him at all, he’d grovel on his knees.  He knows it’s going to take so much more than anything he can do tonight to fix this.</p><p>She should tell him no...send him home, but somehow, she tells him to start talking.  She will give him five minutes and that’s it.  Not a second more.</p><p>“Okay…” His hand rubs down the back of his neck, thinking of how to start.  “What I did...the things I said…”</p><p>“I don’t want to talk about that.”  Her voice is cold and harsh as she cuts him off.  </p><p>“You said I could have five minutes.”  He’s here for a reason and he just needs the time to say what he wants.</p><p>“Fine...but that night is off limits.  You’ve got three minutes now.”  Her arms cross over her chest and she waits for him to keep talking.</p><p>“I won’t talk about that right now if that’s what you want.  I’ll just tell you that when you come back to Intelligence, I won’t pressure you to be partnered with me again.  I’ll take my cue from you.”  The entire time he speaks, he is aware of how pathetic he sounds.  He could apologize for the next month all day, every day and still not be any closer to fixing this.</p><p>“I’m not coming back Jay.”  Her words are quiet and she keeps her eyes trained on the ground in front of her.  She doesn’t want to look at his face right now.</p><p>“What?”  He’s sure his face is complete shock, but he doesn’t care.  “What does that mean?”  He takes a step towards her but stops when she throws her hands out like she is warding him off.  Fuck...Is she afraid of him?</p><p>If he comes any closer she will break.  She’s still trying to deal with the deep cuts his words had caused and she cannot handle anything more.  “I’m going to New York as a loan out.  I leave tomorrow.”  She exhales in relief now that he knows.  </p><p>All Jay can think is that ‘it’s happening again...this is Erin all over.’  He made the one thing he was trying to avoid, happen.  She’s leaving.</p><p>There’s a weight on his chest that makes it hard to breathe.  He had come here with the hopes of at least getting her to think about giving him a chance to make things right, but he knows now that isn’t the case.  It’s too late and he’s got nobody to blame but himself. </p><p>She looks at him finally and the pain in his eyes nearly sends her to her knees.  She isn’t after hurting him...even with everything that has happened between them, she doesn’t want to see him in pain.  She presses her lips flat to stop herself from offering him comfort and then she sucks in a sharp breath when he starts towards her.</p><p>Every single cell in his body is screaming to make her stay, to get her to change her mind but he knows it can’t be that way.  What he did is unforgivable.  Letting her go without a fight is the only thing he can do.  </p><p>He reaches out and touches her arm, sliding his hand up until it rests on her shoulder.  He ignores the rigid set to her shoulders and swallows thickly to clear the tightness in his throat.</p><p>“Hailey I...I want you to know that if I could...If it could be anyone, It would be you.”  His hand slides to the back of her neck and he hates the way her eyes pinch shut like it’s just too much.  “I’d want it to be you Hailey.”  He hears her breath hitch and he leans forward, pressing his lips to her forehead in a sad sort of farewell.</p><p>What the hell is she supposed to say to that?  She wants to ask him why?  Why can’t it be her?  But the hurt is still too real...too fresh.  Instead she steps back, breaking the contact and she steels herself to look into his eyes.  </p><p>“That’s not enough.”  And it isn’t, it doesn’t change anything.  She no longer blindly trusts him, especially with her heart, and she is ready for this conversation to be over.  </p><p>“Go home Jay.  There’s nothing left here anymore.”  She ignores his pained breath and doesn’t look back as she climbs the stairs and steps into her apartment.  Her back hits the door and she slides down, letting her legs straighten out in front of her.  </p><p>She doesn’t cry.  She won’t waste another tear on Jay Halstead ever again.  He can’t hurt her anymore...she won’t give him the chance.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading! We take a look at life in NY for Hailey and what it's like working for Erin, and we get a glimpse at life for Jay without Hailey. ~Nan</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Holding on, Letting go</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Thank you again so much for all the amazing reviews!  It is so nice to read your thoughts and appreciation for my stories!~Nan</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>From the moment Hailey’s plane touched down, she’s pretty much been running nonstop.  Her partner for the unknown duration had picked her up and they headed straight to the field office.  She hadn’t even gotten a chance to change out of her travel clothes.  </p><p>Her partner is Jaime Southland, who has been a member of Agent Lindsay’s team since she left Chicago.  He’s from Scotland, he was the youngest of 7 kids, 4 brothers and 2 sisters, has 13 nieces and nephews with two more on the way.  </p><p>She knows this, and pretty much his whole life story because from the moment her door closed, he had started talking and hadn’t stopped until they exited the elevator at the office.</p><p>“This is our floor and this...is Lindsay’s office.”  He knocks on the frame of the door and Hailey watches as Erin looks up distractedly from her screen to the door.  A cautious smile forms on her lips and she stands to greet them.</p><p>“Detective Upton, it’s good to see you again.”  Her hand reaches out to shake Hailey’s and then Erin moves back behind her desk, motioning for Jaime to shut the door on his way out.</p><p>“We will be heading out in about 10 minutes, Jaime can fill you in on the drive.  I’m sorry you didn’t get a chance to drop your things off...or change.”  Erin says the last part with a slight grimace as she takes in Hailey’s black jeans and striped shirt.  She looks comfortable and Erin definitely misses wearing clothes like this to work.</p><p>“I have my stuff in Agent Southland’s car.  I can change here, it’s not a problem.”  She breathes out slowly when Erin waves her off, telling her to enjoy it while she can, it will be suits for a long time.  This isn’t really how Hailey had envisioned her first day with the FBI would go, she only hopes she can make up for it later.</p><p>BREAK</p><p>“Halstead, my office.”  Jay’s head snaps up at Voight’s voice, and he stands quickly to follow.</p><p>“Have a seat.”  Voight closes the door after Jay enters and then moves to his own seat.  “What’s going on Jay?  You’ve been walking a dangerous line lately.  One of these days, you won’t be so lucky.”  Voight thinks about all the tight spots Jay has been over the last 3 months since Hailey suddenly left.  He’s certain his behavior is a result of that, but it’s been getting worse.</p><p>“I’ll be more careful.”  Jay holds Voight’s gaze for a second before looking at the papers on his desk.  </p><p>“The thing is...I’m not sure I believe that.  It’s almost like you’re set on injuring yourself...and I don’t know if it’s some sort of self punishment or what, but I’m telling you right now, you got a month to turn things around.”  His eyes cut into Jay, trying to convey the seriousness of the conversation.  “One month to prove to me you can do this job the way you’re supposed to, or you’re out.  Got it?”  He’s happy when Jay pales slightly, letting him know the gravity of his words are sinking in.  He will not bury another member of his unit.</p><p>BREAK</p><p>When Jay leaves Voight’s office feeling like a little kid who's just been scolded, he decides a quick walk around the building will help clear his head.  He knows he’s been all over the place the last couple of months and while it wasn’t his intention to purposely hurt himself like Voight said, it definitely seems like something his subconscious self would cook up.</p><p>He’s made so many trips to the hospital recently that he knows the best nurses on each shift and he’s got avoiding Will at the ED down to a science.  He’s had nearly 30 stitches, 2 broken fingers, and his most recent stunt had him sporting a dark blue cast on his left wrist.  All over 3 months...maybe he does need to slow down a bit.  It just sucks that when he slows down or stops, all he can see and think about is Hailey.  How he let her down...hurt her.  Maybe it really was a form of self punishment.  </p><p>“Hey!”  </p><p>Jay turns to see who is talking to him, breaking him from his thoughts, and notices a slightly annoyed Sergeant Platt looking at him.</p><p>“I called your name like 3 times.  Get your head out of the clouds and come get your mail.”  Her unimpressed look at his apology has him smiling sheepishly at her and then a thought occurs to him.</p><p>“Sergeant Platt, you wouldn’t happen to have Hai...Detective Uptons current address in New York, would you?”  Maybe he can send her a letter or something.  She hadn’t wanted to talk about what had happened but this way she can maybe read about the messed up thought process that led to him hurting her.</p><p>“Sorry...can’t help you, Chuckles.  Can’t just hand out department info like that.”  Her face is a little pinched, like she really does feel bad for not being able to give him that info.  Like everyone else here, she’s noticed a definite change in his behavior since Upton took off.  She watches as his hopeful look is replaced with one that looks a lot like regret before he thanks her and then turns to the stairs.</p><p>“Jay.”  She waits for him to turn back and steps around the counter and walks closer to him like she is about to tell him a secret or something.  “I can’t give you that info, but I can tell you that any mail that comes in for Upton is being forwarded to the FBI field office in New York.”  </p><p>Jay feels the first genuine smile stretch his lips in a long time and he thanks Platt before jogging up the steps.  His smile falters when he reaches the top because...sure he can write a letter to Hailey, but he can’t make her read it.</p><p>BREAK</p><p>“Come on, one drink.”</p><p>Hailey looks up from her screen and into the brown eyes of her partner.  She just wants to finish this write up and then go home and crash.  The case they just closed was not particularly a gruesome one, but it was taxing and she hadn’t gotten much sleep over the last week.  Drinking with her coworkers is not on her agenda right now.</p><p>“And before you say no, you should know that Lindsay...our boss...told me to not take no for an answer.”  Jaime smirks at the slightly shocked look on his partner's face.  It isn’t often that the leader of their unit joins them for a drink, but she will be tonight, and he had been tasked with getting Hailey to join.  </p><p>Considering she has only gone out for drinks 3 times in the 6 months she has been here makes it not such an easy task, but he’s pretty sure she won’t tell him no now that he made it clear Lindsay wanted her there.</p><p>“She specifically said that?”  Eyebrow raised, she studies her partner.  She knows she should make more of an effort to spend time with her team outside of work, really take the time to get to know them, but most of the time she always ends up getting a little homesick and wishes she was hanging out with her old unit instead, so she had just stopped trying to join them.</p><p>“She did.  So save what you’re doing and let’s go.”  He stands by her door, waiting for her to finish up and then walks with her down to his car.  </p><p>“You want a ride?”  He pauses at the door, fully prepared for her to turn down his offer like usual, but it doesn’t stop him from asking.</p><p>She thinks about declining, but then decides ‘why not’?  Maybe she will get drunk tonight.</p><p>BREAK</p><p>Two hours later and Hailey is at the bar ordering another round for her team.  She’s got a steady buzz and she likes the feeling.  She decides on a beer for this round, wanting to draw out the fuzzy feeling inside, trying not to move into sloppy drunk territory in front of her team.</p><p>After the drinks are passed out, she takes the newly opened seat next to her boss and takes a sip from her beer.</p><p>“You’re very driven...you know that?  Like a robot almost...it’s difficult to get a read on you.”  The music is a little loud and Erin has to lean closer to Hailey to be heard.  “It’s not a bad thing, it’s just not how I thought you were going to be.  Not after over three years with Hank.”  She doesn’t mind that Hailey is a hard worker, that would be weird, but the complete lack of emotion and the way she throws herself into assignments is worrying.  She had expected Hailey to try and blur the lines of right and wrong, but Hailey followed the rules better than anyone she has ever worked with.</p><p>“Uh...thanks?”  She isn’t sure what to say to that and a small insecure part of her wonders if her boss is unhappy with her work thus far.</p><p>“No...I didn’t mean it in a bad way.  Honestly.  It’s just...never mind.  Forget it.”  Erin had been about to bring up Jay, but then quickly thought better of it.  She had been in contact with Hank and he had told her about how he was behaving since Hailey came to New York, and she had wanted to know if something happened between the two of them to make her come here.  It would explain the way she works and how she avoids getting too personal with anyone here.</p><p>Hailey takes one last pull from her bottle before she announces she is heading out.  Whatever Erin had been hinting at is not something she wants to talk about...especially in front of the rest of her team.</p><p>“Hailey, wait.”  Erin rushes to catch up to her outside the bar and the sudden lack of music is a welcome relief.</p><p>Hailey takes a deep breath, desperately wishing she had opted for a few more shots...she has a feeling that the coming conversation was going to be a tough one.</p><p>“I’m sorry if what…” She doesn’t get to finish because Hailey cuts her off.</p><p>“If you have something to ask, just say it.  Stop talking in circles.”  She whirls on Erin, hating that she is about to have this conversation at all, but mostly because it’s with her boss.</p><p>Erin pulls her shoulders back and looks at Hailey in slight disbelief.  She wants to remind her that she is her boss after all, but holds that back. At Hailey’s continued glare, she finally speaks.</p><p>“Fine...Why are you here?”  At Hailey’s confused stare, she lets out an annoyed huff.  “In New York?  Why did you come here?  Because at first, I thought it was refreshing to have someone on my team that consistently does the job, but the more I watch you and your interactions with my team, the more I realize that you're running from something.”  When she stops, she just stands there, staring at Hailey. </p><p>“Does this have anything to do with Jay?”  His name feels both familiar and unfamiliar on her tongue at the same time, and she knows she’s hit the nail on the head when Hailey’s face flickers to barely contained anger just before she locks down the emotion.  She’s got her signature blank stare back and it drives Erin crazy.  </p><p>“If it does have something to do with him, it’s none of your business.”  She turns to walk away, but Erin stops her with words that nearly make her collapse.</p><p>“He’s so easy to love isn’t he?”  When Hailey’s shoulders drop in defeat and her eyes turn watery, Erin suggests they head to the diner a couple of blocks up and have a proper conversation.</p><p>BREAK</p><p>Hailey just stares into her coffee, thinking about how much she should tell Erin…if she should even tell her anything at all.  It’s weird, sitting here about to have a conversation about Jay with his ex.  She does want to talk about it, and she guesses that maybe Erin is the best person to talk to.  She’s been with him...maybe she knows something Hailey doesn’t.</p><p>“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.  I’m sorry for pushing.”  Erin lifts her coffee and hums out her approval as she takes a sip.  “I just know he wasn’t doing so well a while back and then I started to really watch you and I wondered if the two were related.”  Her hands stay on the coffee mug.  Even though it’s the middle of September and it’s muggy out, she likes the warmth.</p><p>“You’ve spoken to Jay?”  She knows her voice is shocked, but she’s got a thousand questions running through her head right now.  Why was she talking to him?  Did he ask about me?  Did he miss me?  She shouldn’t care, but she does.  The thought of Jay talking to Erin...hurt.</p><p>“I spoke to Hank.  We haven’t talked in a while, but last I heard, Jay was having a rough go and seemed to be in the hospital pretty frequently.”  As soon as she mentions the hospital, she realizes she shouldn’t have.  Hailey’s face pales even more and she can see the way her throat works to swallow against the rush of emotions.  </p><p>“What happened Hailey?”</p><p>Hailey finds herself telling Erin what happened and she knows the night of drinking played a big part in that.  It isn’t that they aren’t friends, they are.  It’s just more of a work friendship.  She wouldn’t talk about this stuff to anyone on a normal night.  She can see the way Erin takes in her words and then before she can stop herself, she’s adding one final thing.</p><p>“I’m pretty sure the way you left...shutting him out the way you did, broke something in him.”  She tells her she isn’t blaming her for what happened, but that her leaving definitely damaged him.</p><p>“I get it.  I knew leaving the way I did was wrong but I had to do it.  Not just for me, but for him too, for the whole team.  My problems with my mom became unmanageable and she was about to take down everyone I cared about so I made the decision to leave.  It wasn’t easy and I didn’t do it to hurt him.  We weren’t even really talking when I left.”  She signals for a refill and then continues.  “It took a long time for me to realize what Jay and I had...it would never have lasted.  We weren’t good for each other...and I can admit that now, but then...I wanted him, and the security he gave me.  We used each other, and realizing that ‘want’ and ‘need’ were two completely different things was really hard.  I had basically replaced one vice with another by dating him, and then trying to keep him a secret and sneaking around...we just weren’t good for each other.”</p><p>Hearing that they used each other hurts Hailey because that’s basically what they had done to each other.  She sees Erin about to start talking again and she isn’t sure she wants to hear anymore, but before she can make her excuses and leave, she starts to talk.</p><p>“Hank said you got Jay the help he needed.  That you were good for him.  And I got to be honest, when he told me that I was a little jealous and hurt...I wanted to be good for him.  I wanted to help him too, but while we talked about opening up to each other, we never did.  Our secrets destroyed us in the end.”  She tries to shake those old feelings off quickly.  She isn’t that girl anymore.  She had worked hard to get where she is today and while leaving Chicago was the hardest thing she has done, it was for the best.</p><p>“He hasn’t tried to contact me once.  In 6 months it’s been complete radio silence, and I hate it.  I hate that I even care at all because the things he said hurt and they brought up a lot of things I’ve kept locked up, but I miss my friend.  I just miss him.”  Her breath hitches and she presses her fingers to her eyes to try and stop the tears.  She should just go home now, before she makes a complete fool of herself.</p><p>“Knowing Jay, he’s probably trying to do the ‘right thing’ and give you space.  You should reach out to him...if you want.  I’m not trying to tell you what to do.”  She leaves it at that, and they finish their coffee in comfortable silence before heading home.</p><p>BREAK</p><p>Hailey and Erin's relationship changed after that night.  They still aren’t ‘besties’ or calling each other and texting all the time, but Hailey finds herself regularly accepting offers to grab a drink or dinner with her boss.  </p><p>“Hank called me today.”  Erin says the words while looking at Hailey’s profile as they take the elevator down to the parking garage.  “He wants to know if we’d be willing to consult on a case out there on a current case.”  </p><p>Hailey sucks in a breath and closes her eyes to try and calm herself.  If she’s being honest, she had been expecting this...maybe not consulting on a case, but being sent back to Chicago.  She had extended her contract twice already because of cases and each time a deadline had come up, she wondered if enough time had passed...if she’d ran long enough for her to even go home.</p><p>“You’re sending me?”  Her hands form fists in her pockets as she works to keep her breath even.</p><p>“I was thinking about sending you and Jaime, yeah.  Plus, this would be a good jumping off point for you.  Your current contract ends in two and a half weeks.  You’d be staying in Chicago.  Unless you’ve decided to accept my offer and officially join my team.”  When the elevator opens, Hailey remains quiet and Erin watches as her mouth moves to form words but none come.  </p><p>“I can send another team.  You can finish out your contract and then go from there if you’d rather do that.”  Erin has offered a spot on her team twice to Hailey.  She would be a huge asset and the FBI would be lucky to have someone like her working for them.  </p><p>“I don’t know if I want to stay here yet.  How long do I have before I need to give you an answer.?”  There’s a part of her that wants to forget about her life in Chicago completely, but then she thinks about her friends there and she feels guilty.  Maybe she needs to go back to figure out if it even feels like home anymore.</p><p>“I’ll need to know by the end of the work day on your final contracted day.”  Her hand reaches out to touch Hailey’s arm.  “I get it.  Leaving your life behind is a huge deal.  I don’t want to rush you.  If you don’t want to go back for this case that’s fine…”</p><p>“I’ll go back.  Jaime and I will go back, and then I’ll give you my answer.”  When they exit the building, Erin heading to her car, and Hailey to the street, all she can think about is hopefully this won’t be another mistake.</p><p>BREAK</p><p>Jay pulls at the collar of his dress shirt, trying to loosen it.  He had spent the day at court, and he has never appreciated Voight’s lax dress code more than he does right now.  He’s not a fan of court days.  The suit is a major reason, but he mostly dislikes having to go back and look into cases that he has closed.  Once it’s closed, he doesn’t want to think about it agin.  Usually the first time was hard enough.</p><p>He’s thankful that when he enters the district, Platt isn’t behind the desk.  She has not so subtly asked him about news from Hailey since the whole mail conversation a couple months ago.  He always just tells her he hasn’t heard from her.  He doesn’t tell her that he had started a hundred letters and texts but had never finished a single one.  Nothing seemed big enough to fix anything so he had stopped trying.</p><p>“So this is where you work?”  </p><p>Jay hears the faint accented voice speak and a second later a voice he’d recognize anywhere speaks.</p><p>“Yep.  Well...used to anyway.”  He hears Hailey’s voice and for some reason, he hides.  Like he leaps over the old desk at the top of the stairs and ducks behind it a second before they round the corner and head down the stairs.  He waits for them to buzz through the gate before he stands.  He turns to head toward his desk and lets out a little scream when he nearly collides into Voight. </p><p>“What are you doing behind that desk?”  Voight asks, but it's almost like he knows the answer already.  He had heard the gate buzz, and had expected someone to come up the steps.  When no one did, he went looking, and found Jay unfolding himself from the old desk.</p><p>“I uh...just dropped something.”  He tries to come up with a reason, but it sounds lame even to his own ears.</p><p>“Mmm.  Right...well, did you happen to see who just walked out of here?”  He waits for Jay to nod knowing that he had seen her, but she hadn’t seen him, and then he tells him that Hailey and her partner will be consulting on their current case.</p><p>“Can you handle this?”  He doesn’t want to have to bench Jay, but it finally feels like he has his head on straight again and he isn’t after another spiral from him.</p><p>“I can Sir.  Unless she specifically requested I not be here...which is...whatever you need me to do.”  He fumbles over his words and then just shuts his mouth.  Less is more sometimes.</p><p>“I want you to do your job.  You’ve been working hard these past months and I don’t want to see you go backwards.  If you can’t handle it, you need to tell me.”  </p><p>Jay tells him that he will let him know if he feels like he is slipping again and then sighs in relief when his boss leaves.  He hurries to finish up his paperwork so he can meet Will for drinks.  </p><p>BREAK</p><p>“Whoa.  Either she’s got a twin, or Hailey just walked in.”  Will leans back, trying to get a better view, but Jay pushes him forward and tells him to stop.</p><p>“Aren’t you gonna talk to her?  This is what you’ve been waiting for isn’t it?”  Will tries to push him to do what they’ve spent the last 8 months talking about.  “Go talk to her.”  He tries again when he doesn’t get a response from his brother.</p><p>“Just leave it Will.  She’s here for a case and then she’ll leave again.”  He had watched one after another as his team arrived and a small part of him was bothered that they hadn’t invited him to join.  Not now, he had strategically chosen a chair behind one of the pillars so he wouldn’t be seen unless you were on the same side of the bar as him.  He hasn’t joined his team for a night out in months...it’s probably why he didn’t get an invite. </p><p>“Jesus Jay...I don’t know how much more I can do this.  Turn around and look at her.”  When he doesn’t move, Will grabs the back of his head and physically holds his brother's head in her direction.  “Look at her, man.  Look at that guy next to her.  He’s probably her partner, but what if he’s more?  What if she goes home to him every night?  What if all your friends get an invite to their wedding and you have to watch as the girl you love takes someone else’s last name?”  He lets go of his head, letting him turn back to his drink.  </p><p>“I just want her to be happy.”  Jay hates the tremor in his voice, but Will is right.  What if he’s too late?  Her being happy is what he wants the most.</p><p>“You can make her happy Jay.”  Will gives him a little shove, making him knock into the pillar.  “Get over your shit and do something Jay...or you really will be watching her life from the sidelines.”  Will tosses some bills on the counter and then leaves Jay to his thoughts...a dangerous thing.</p><p>BREAK</p><p>Drinks with her friends were just what she needed.  She had laughed so hard at one of Adam’s stories that she had actually shed some tears.  She had stayed in touch and traded texts here and there, but catching up in person was better.  They loved Jaime and his accent, and he was a pretty big hit with all his crazy stories.  </p><p>She couldn’t help the way her eyes would track to the door every time it opened and eventually, Kim had leaned in close and spoke in her ear.</p><p>“He isn’t coming.”  When Hailey tries for a confused look, Kim adds that Jay hasn’t been to the bar with them since she left.  “He never comes anymore...none of us see him outside of work.”  She feels bad for mentioning it, especially when Hailey’s happy mood turns somber.  “He was in court the last two days, but he should be back tomorrow.”  Kim had picked up right away on the tension between the two of them before Hailey had left to work with Robbery/Homicide.  She knew something bad happened.</p><p>Hailey doesn’t know what to say to that.  She doesn’t want Jay to distance himself from his friends because of what happened.  They apparently had both made a real mess of things.</p><p>Not long after that, Hailey tells the group she is leaving and makes sure that Jaime is good to get to his hotel room.  He tells her he is fine and then rejoins the group for one last drink.</p><p>She takes her time as she walks back home.  She had thought about just getting a room at the hotel, but her subletter hadn’t renewed her lease last month so her place was open for her to use.  She had been pleasantly surprised at how clean it was when she dropped her things off earlier, and right now, all she wants to do is sleep in her own bed.</p><p>She starts up the sidewalks just as a car door closes.  Her heart starts to race when she hears footsteps approach and she wishes she had mace, or her gun.  She’s got nothing, and if she’s about to possibly be attacked, she wants to see it coming.  She whirls around, her fist raised, and barely manages to stop her hand from connecting with his face.</p><p>“Jay?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>SORRY!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. If I could turn back time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for the reviews!!~Nan</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“He isn’t coming.”  When Hailey tries for a confused look, Kim adds that Jay hasn’t been to the bar with them since she left.  “He never comes anymore...none of us see him outside of work.”  She feels bad for mentioning it, especially when Hailey’s happy mood turns somber.  “He was in court the last two days, but he should be back tomorrow.”  Kim had picked up right away on the tension between the two of them before Hailey had left to work with Robbery/Homicide.  She knew something bad happened.</p><p>Hailey doesn’t know what to say to that.  She doesn’t want Jay to distance himself from his friends because of what happened.  They apparently had both made a real mess of things.</p><p>Not long after that, Hailey tells the group she is leaving and makes sure that Jaime is good to get to his hotel room.  He tells her he is fine and then rejoins the group for one last drink.</p><p>She takes her time as she walks back home.  She had thought about just getting a room at the hotel, but her subletter hadn’t renewed her lease last month so her place was open for her to use.  She had been pleasantly surprised at how clean it was when she dropped her things off earlier, and right now, all she wants to do is sleep in her own bed.</p><p>She starts up the sidewalks just as a car door closes.  Her heart starts to race when she hears footsteps approach and she wishes she had mace, or her gun.  She’s got nothing, and if she’s about to possibly be attacked, she wants to see it coming.  She whirls around, her fist raised barely manages to stop her hand from connecting with his face.</p><p>“Jay?”</p><p>He hadn’t been expecting her to turn so quickly, nor was he prepared for her to do so swinging, so he flings his hands up in a pathetic attempt to block the punch.  Thankfully she stopped, but then...of all the things he deserved, her punching him is definitely on that list.</p><p>“It’s just me...Sorry.  I didn’t mean to scare you.”  His hands are positioned palms out, like he’s surrendering.  He wants to tell her all the things he’s come to realize in the months she’s been away, but all he can do is take her in.  New York looks good on her.  She’s polished and yet somehow still manages to make the slacks and blouse look effortless and comfortable.  </p><p>“God, I missed you...how’ve you been?”  It’s only when her body shifts slightly and she blinks back at him that he realizes he said those words out loud.  He hadn’t meant to but he doesn’t care.  He had missed her though.</p><p>Hailey cannot believe that after 8 months, that is what he leads with.  She stares at him incredulously before she calms enough to speak, and she changes her mind.  She lets the anger and hurt from the last 8 months out.</p><p>“How have I been?”  Her voice is full of barley tempered emotion and she takes a step toward him in anger.  “How have I been?  Are you fucking serious right now?  It’s been 8 months Jay.  You had 8 months to do something...say something, and you want to know how I am?”  She was an idiot...there’s no other way to put it.  Why did she even come back?  </p><p>“In all fairness, I’m not the one who walked away.”  Fuck...why did he say that?  </p><p>“No...I walked away.  And you made sure of it.  You never even tried to stop me.”  She turns her back to him, the rush of emotions is so strong and she’s just trying to get through the next couple of minutes until he leaves, without crying.  </p><p>“I didn’t know you wanted me to stop you...I didn’t think I had the right to ask you to stay.”  His voice is quiet and he cautiously steps towards her.  She isn’t running right now, and he is thankful for the small sliver of hope.</p><p>“I want to tell you things, but I need to ask you something first.  There’s no point in stirring things up if I’m too late.”  He isn’t sure how to ask if she’s dating anyone, so he settles on another route.</p><p>“Are you happy, Hailey?” It’s almost like she knows what he is really asking, because she sucks in a breath and turns back to face him.</p><p>“No...there’s no easy out here, Jay.  You want to ask me something?  Then ask me.”  Her ams cross over her chest as she waits for him to either man up and ask, or chicken out and leave.  She knows he is trying to find out if she is involved with anyone.</p><p>“Okay...fine.  Are you seeing anyone?”  Suddenly it feels like he can’t breathe as he waits for her answer.  He doesn’t want this to be it...this can’t be it.</p><p>“No.  Even if I was, I think I’d deserve to know why, Jay.”  All the fight is gone from her, and she just stands there, not sure where to go from here.</p><p>“Can we walk?  I want to tell you why, Hailey.  I do...I’m just afraid I’m gonna fumble it up and walking helps clear my head.”  He lets out a relieved breath when she starts to walk, and he hurries to fall into step beside her.  </p><p>“Have you ever been told something...or thought something, so often that it becomes the truth?”  When her step falters slightly, he knows he’s hit a sore subject.  The words from the night things blew up, play back in his head and he wonders who hurt her? </p><p>‘Unloveable but fuckable’...That’s what she said.  Someone, at some point, had told her she wasn’t loveable and even though he told her as much too, it still breaks his heart to think about.  He wonders if it was her father.  She had told him once they don’t speak anymore and had hinted at a crappy childhood.</p><p>“Jay?”  Not only had he stopped talking, but he hadn’t moved either.  Hailey watches as whatever he is battling with plays across his face.</p><p>“Sorry.”  His breath whooshes out and he starts to walk again.  He needs to stay focused.  “After my mom died, things with my dad got really bad.  He never got physical, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t hurt me.  He uh...he blamed me for my mom dying.”  He has to shut his eyes for a second because he’s never told anyone this, not even Will.  It has been festering inside him for so long he wonders how it hadn’t eaten him alive years ago.  </p><p>“He said...uh...he said that my mom died because I broke her heart.  She had cancer...but she was fighting and then I told her I was going back overseas and she fucking died.”  He knows that the cancer is what killed her, but a part of him will always wonder if her will to fight lessened when he told her his plans.  </p><p>He jerks back when she touches his arm.  He doesn’t deserve her kindness.  “He must have told me a hundred times in the week before her funeral that loving me destroyed her.  He said it so much that I believed him, Hailey.”  He barely manages to choke back the sob trying to break free.  He’s aware that he probably sounds like a whining little boy but everything he did...everything he said to her, stemmed from this.  Once he is sure he isn’t going to lose it, he pushes on.</p><p>“I had one failed relationship after another before I met Erin.  I thought...I don’t know.  I guess I thought she was it.  That she was someone who could love me enough to erase all the bad, but I was wrong.  We both made a lot of mistakes but in the end...loving me hurt her.  That’s what she said.  That she did love me, but it shouldn’t  hurt to do that, and then she disappeared.”  Like you, he thinks...at least Hailey had told him.</p><p>Hailey tries hard not to cry.  She had not, in a million years, thought that his issues were this big...this deep.  All the emotion in his voice pulls at the carefully placed walls she had built after leaving, and now she stands next to him a mess of jumbled up feelings.</p><p>“I get it Jay.  You can stop.”  She doesn’t really want to hear more anymore.  The more he talks, the harder she has to fight the tears, and he’s giving her a lot to think about.</p><p>“No.  You need to know something.  I think I knew that first night that I felt something for you, and then after the second time, I was pretty sure that you had feelings for me too.”  Once he says this next part, he won’t be able to take it back.  She will know and either hate him forever or...he doesn’t know, but he needs for her to know.</p><p>“When I told you I didn’t love you...that I never would, I was trying to hurt you.”  He can see the hurt slide into her eyes and he hates himself all over again.  “I thought if I could make you not love me that I could still somehow keep you.  Even if it was just as a friend.”  He panics when she says nothing, just starts back in the direction they came without a word.</p><p>“Not a day has gone by where I don’t think about that night.”  It’s barely a whisper, but he knows she heard because she pauses, listening.  “Not a single fucking day that I don’t wish I didn’t say it.  I don’t deserve you Hailey...or your forgiveness, but I miss you.  I miss my best friend, and I know I have no right to ask you this, but I’d give anything for the chance to make this right...a chance to be your friend again.”  </p><p>He’s said all he can, and now it’s her move.  She will either tell him to fuck off, or maybe...maybe she will give him a chance.</p><p>Hailey stares back at him and when a tear falls this time, she lets it.  There’s no use fighting them anymore.  She doesn’t want to fight.</p><p>“You hurt me.”  The words tremble out and her arms wrap around herself like she is trying to keep herself from falling apart.  “You hurt me, Jay.  I don’t...There’s a lot I can forgive...especially since this all started because of me.”</p><p>“But?”  He can hear it coming.  She’s going to tell him that too much has happened, too much time has passed.</p><p>She looks back towards her apartment wondering what she should say.  She isn’t in the best place right now, but she’s miles away from where she was in March.  She really isn’t sure what to say to him at all right now.  It’s not as simple a response as the question he is asking.  </p><p>“But...but I’m not sure I’m staying...in Chicago.  I’m sorry.”  She isn’t exactly sure what she is apologizing for, but she says it anyway.</p><p>His face falls and his shoulders slump in total defeat even though he knows tonight wasn’t a complete loss.  She had let him explain.  She had listened.  It wasn’t a win, but it wasn’t a loss either.</p><p>“Okay then.  I guess there’s just one thing left I need to know and then I’ll go.”  He’s trying to be kind, and not show how much he is hurting right now, but it’s coming off more like sadness than anything.  </p><p>“Do you feel like you can work with me on this case, or would it be better for me to just sit this out?”  He wants to work the case with her, but he will do whatever she wants.</p><p>“It’s fine.  We both have a job to do and that’s it.  We just do what we’re supposed to do.  I can handle it if you can.”  He nods, letting her know he can handle it and then they walk the last bit back to Hailey’s.</p><p>He doesn’t doesn’t speak, just weakly waves at her in a sad goodbye before he climbs into his truck.  The only thing he can think about was that she hadn’t said no.  </p><p>BREAK</p><p>They spend the first two days pouring over the footage from the first bombing.  Jaime is somewhat of a tech nerd and he takes over the control room with no issues.  Hailey isn’t surprised at all with how seamlessly Jaime inserts himself into the Intelligence unit.  He’s just that kind of guy.  What she is surprised with, is that Jaime and Jay are actually working well together. </p><p>She had had a small panic attack when on the second day Adam mentioned that Jay had gone down to assist with the video feeds and she had practically ran down to the tech room prepared to intervene.</p><p>“I swear, two of my brothers once tried to sell me for a video game.  I was 6...my parents were furious when the shopkeep called them.”</p><p>Hailey skids to a stop in time to hear the tail end of Jaime’s story and both of their ensuing laughs.  She tries to act normal but she knows by the look on Jaime’s face that he saw her running.</p><p>“Everything okay?”  Jaime’s question has Jay turning and though his smile doesn’t disappear, it definitely falters.</p><p>“Uh...yeah...I was...Did you find anything useful?”  Hailey is aware of how low lame that was, but she is thankful that neither Jay nor Jaime call her on it.  They tell her they haven’t found anything and she nods before turning and heading back out into the hall.  Her back hits the wall as she lets out a breath and drags a hand over her face.</p><p>“Thought we would be at each other’s throats?”  He laughs when she jumps.</p><p>“Jesus, Jay!”  She turns to face him and the smirk on his face has her smiling sheepishly in return.  “Maybe...yeah...I was worried.”  </p><p>“It’s okay...I’d be worried too.”  He takes a step closer to bump his shoulder against hers, but then he stops, remembering that things aren’t any different between them.  He looks down at his shoe and then back at her.  “I gotta be honest...I wanted to hate him, but...uh...he’s a good guy, Hailey.”  </p><p>Their gazes lock for a second, and just as Hailey is about to speak, Kevin comes running down the stairs telling them they got something and that they are heading out in 10.  </p><p>Whatever Hailey had been about to say would have to wait.</p><p>BREAK</p><p>Kevin, Adam, and Jay wait for the signal before they enter the building.  There’s not a single street light outside the smaller scale warehouse and Jay feels like he has to squint to see better.  </p><p>They’ve been waiting a little over 5 minutes and just when Adam starts to get nervous, wondering what is taking them so long, Kim’s voice comes over their comms and they get the all clear to enter through the back.  There are thankfully only two floors, but the bottom level has 5 large rooms and the upper level has 7 rooms.</p><p>“Watch your step.  The floor is caving in up here.”  Hailey’s voice is strong and clear in Jay’s ear and he sees what she is talking about when he reaches the first landing and it is nearly rusted out.  None of them get too close, trying to keep the weight evenly distributed.  </p><p>“You smell that?”  Jay notices the smell instantly after entering the third room upstairs.  “Acetone.  Whatever we were hoping to find...it’s long gone by now.”          He speaks into the comms, letting the team know and then he and Adam step back out into the hall to join the rest of them.  </p><p>It happens in the blink of an eye.  Jaime, Hailey, and Kim are walking ahead of Jay, and the unmistakable sound of rusted metal giving way fills the small hallway.  The team watches as Jaime shoves Kim and Hailey with both his arms in opposite directions, sending them crashing through the doorways on either side, before he starts to fall.</p><p>Jay doesn’t even hesitate.  He lunges forward, desperately reaching out to grab Hailey’s partner.  By some small miracle, he manages to get his hand on Jaime’s and then he’s holding on with everything he has.  Until the floor starts to collapse under the weight of them.  He starts to slide forward and he’s yelling at Jaime to reach out to the far support beam to alleviate some of the stress on the floor but he can’t seem to get a grip on the metal.</p><p>“Hang on!  Just hang on!”  Jay can feel his body being pulled closer and closer to the crumbling ledge and then a sickening pain fills his thigh.  A piece of the floor has come up and as Jay gets dragged forward, the metal slices into his leg.  He focuses on the pain of that instead of the thought that his grip is slipping and Jaime could very well fall to his death.</p><p>None of the others move to them, knowing the floor could give at any second.  Adam had grabbed Kim through the other door to the room she had landed in and they rushed downstairs to find a rope or a ladder...anything to help.  </p><p>“Get back Hailey.  Just stay back!”  Kevin is yelling at her from the hall and he can only watch in horror as she slides along the floor trying to help Jay.</p><p>“Hailey GO!”  His voice is hard and full of authority, but Jay can’t split his focus any further.  “Get off this floor...please Hailey...GO!”  He growls out the last part just as he feels her hands grip his feet and pull him back some.  Even if she manages to pull him back some, the force of him pulling Jaime up could send all three of them crashing down below.</p><p>He grimaces in pain as the piece of metal in the floor cuts into his leg in the opposite direction this time.  He wants to tell her to let him go, that it’s too dangerous, but it’s no use.  She’s got her legs stretched out and her feet braced on the opposite wall as she holds his legs.  </p><p>“I’m not leaving.  Don’t let go.  Hang on Jaime.”  Desperation fills her voice and she can feel the pressure building behind her eyes.  She can’t lose them...she won’t.</p><p>“It’s alright, Hailey.  It’s gonna be alright.”  Jaime’s voice comes up from the hole in the floor, and he tries to stay calm for them all.  He’s pretty sure he wrenched his shoulder out of the socket.  His left hand is gripping tight to Jay’s, but his right arm hangs limply at his side.  He’d tried...really tried to grab the support beam, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to hold on.  </p><p>“You know...when I was 11, my brothers Murray and Jude told me they found a magic umbrella.  We all climbed up on our da’s barn and they opened the umbrella and we drew straws to see who got to fly first.  I won and I was so excited to try, that I took hold of that umbrella and ran for it.”  He knows now really isn’t the time for one of his stories, but he wants to keep her calm, try to distract them.   He could hear the tremor in her voice and he just wants her to know he will be okay.  No matter what happens, it’s going to be okay.</p><p>“What happened?”  Jay tries to readjust his grip and hopes that Adam and Kim find something helpful soon.  He can’t see for sure what is below them, but it looks like a bunch of concrete pieces with a lot of rebar sticking out.</p><p>“What do you think happened?  I fell!  It’s a miracle I didn’t die...broke my leg in three different places, fractured my pelvis, internal bleeding, broke 4 ribs, cracked 8 teeth, broke my arm, and had a concussion.  I spent over a month in the hospital.”  It had been the worst summer of his life.  His brothers had been grounded for 5 months.  By the time Jaime had finally finished his physical therapy, his parents had decided it was time to move to New York.  It was a lot harder to get into the same kind of trouble once they moved.</p><p>Hailey doesn’t laugh.  In fact, she isn’t entirely sure if it’s sweat or tears dripping down her cheeks and she honestly doesn’t care.</p><p>“We got something!”  Adam and Kim finally reappear with a tall ladder and hurry to set it under Jaime, doing their best to find a level enough spot on all the broken pieces. “It’s about half a foot under you.  Can you lower him down some Jay?”  Adam stands on the bottom rung of the ladder using his weight to keep it in place.</p><p>“I’ll try.”  He knows his going to have to slide forward and he hisses out a breath as the stupid piece of metal digs back into his leg.  “Can you touch it yet?”  He hopes...god he hopes.  His hands are getting too sweaty and he isn’t sure how much longer he can hold onto him.</p><p>“I got it!  I’m on.  Hang on a sec, let me get my balance.”  Jaime holds tight to Jay’s hand still, willing his legs to stop shaking.  The adrenaline is starting to wear off a little.  Finally, he lets go of his hand and with his left arm, reaches out to steady himself on the support beam he had tried to grab earlier.  Slowly and carefully, he steps down the ladder until he feels the ground beneath his feet.  </p><p>Jay watches as Jaime makes his way down the ladder and when his feet hit the floor, he tells Hailey to go to Kevin.</p><p>“No...I’m not letting you fall Jay.”  She pushes with her legs and manages to pull Jay back from the ledge some.  </p><p>“Ahh FUCK!  STOP!”  The metal in his leg is excruciating and without the task of keeping Jaime from falling, it’s all he can focus on.  “My leg...Hailey my leg.  Let go.”  He’s pretty sure he has enough upper body strength left to grab the support beam and lower himself down to the ladder but he needs to get Hailey out of the hallway first.  </p><p>“Oh my god...you’re bleeding.  Jay...there’s a lot of blood.”  She can see it pooling under his leg.  </p><p>“You need to go to Kevin, Hailey.  I can’t lower myself until I know you're out safe...please.”  It’s his turn to sound desperate now and he breathes out in relief when he feels her let go finally.</p><p>“Come on, Hailey.  I got you girl.”  Kevin pushes her gently in front of him down the stairs, making sure she doesn’t try to get back up there.</p><p>Hailey takes the steps as quickly as she can.  She rounds the corner and runs down the main hallway until she reaches the largest of the rooms on the ground floor.  She makes it through what is left of the door way in time to see Adam and Jaime helping Jay over the rubble.  Every pained step he takes leaves a deep crimson splotch and Hailey has to breathe through her nose at the sudden rush of nausea.  She is not the biggest fan of blood...especially when it happened to be leaking out of someone she cares about.</p><p>“EMT’s just rolled up.  Can you make it outside?”  Kim hangs up the phone and approaches Jay.  He’s limping heavily and grimacing with each step he takes.</p><p>“I got it.”  He thinks...fuck...his leg hurts.  He’s afraid to look, but he’s pretty sure it’s going to take more than a bandage to fix it.  Thankfully, one of the EMT’s meets them halfway with a stretcher and Jay happily climbs on.  He puts on a show of not needing it, but he doesn’t actually fight that hard.  If he doesn’t have to keep putting pressure on his leg he isn’t going to.</p><p>BREAK</p><p>The injuries aren’t life threatening and most of the team leaves once they are told they are going to be just fine.  It’s late and they all don’t need to be here for stitches and popping a shoulder back in.</p><p>It’s just Hailey and Voight in the private waiting room Will had led them to.  Hailey isn’t sure why, but she feels this odd sense of guilt.  There had been a moment, once Jay and Jaime had been loaded into the ambulances, that Hailey had stared between the two.  </p><p>She wanted to go to Jay...to just make certain that he was going to be okay, but then she looked back at Jaime and he was hooked up to an IV with some type of pain medication already.  He was grinning at her with his lopsided smile and she had chosen him.  He was her partner...it was the right choice...she thinks.  It’s why she feels a little guilty.  She hadn’t looked back to Jay, afraid of what she would see on his face if she did.</p><p>The door to the waiting room is opened and Jaime steps in followed by a nurse who gives them a rundown of caring for his shoulder.  It was the standard, keep the brace on, don’t sleep on that side, ice and pain management.  He’d be good to go in a couple of weeks.</p><p>Hailey is totally surprised when Jaime asks Voight if he would mind driving him home, knowing Hailey is torn about having to leave Jay.  She hugs him gently and then lets out a little laugh when he jokingly tells her it only took 8 months for her to warm up to him.  </p><p>She tells him to call her if he needs her and then she settles down to wait for news on Jay.  It feels like hours pass before Jay and Will finally come into the waiting room.</p><p>Jay enters the room on crutches and stops short at the sight of Hailey fast asleep in one of the chairs.  He hadn’t expected her to stay.  He knows her partner had been sent home a while ago because he had stopped by while Jay was getting his leg sewn up, to thank him before he left.</p><p>Hailey startles awake when Will taps her shoulder and she stands, wiping the sleep from her eyes.  “Hey.”  She is so relieved to see him upright and okay that most of her vocabulary seems to have vanished.</p><p>“Where’s your partner?”  He doesn’t say it with malice or annoyance, he is genuinely just asking.</p><p>“Voight took him home.  I wanted to see...I didn’t want to leave.”  Her hands tuck into her pants pockets and she stands there awkwardly, shifting from one foot to another.</p><p>“You didn’t have to wait for me.  Thank you though.”  And he means it.  He’s glad she stayed. </p><p>“You uh...want a ride home?”  She wants to tell him what she decided to do, and she wants to do it in person.</p><p>“Yeah...thanks.”  Jay sets the crutches forward before he swings his body up to them, following her down the hall.  Click, swing, click, swing...he hasn’t been on crutches in a long time, but his body thankfully hasn’t forgotten how to use them.</p><p>BREAK</p><p>The car ride is filled with awkward silence that neither knows how to break.  Jay is pretty sure he knows why she offered him a ride home, and it probably has something to do with her returning to New York.   </p><p>She parks outside his apartment and turns to look at him.  Just as she is about to speak, he does.</p><p>“It’s okay Hailey.  You don’t have to say anything.  I already know.”  He lets out a slow, sad breath.  When Jaime had stopped by his room earlier, he had mentioned that the two of them would be on a flight back to New York tomorrow...today.  He lost track of time a bit.</p><p>“Jay...I…” She starts, but has to stop.  Her voice is doing its best to betray her.  She tries not to react when his hand reaches over to lay on hers.</p><p>“I’m glad you came back.  Even if it was just for a couple of days...I’m really glad.  And Jaime is a great partner, but if you ever...you can call me or text me if you need something.  If you want to, I mean.  And if you don’t want to that’s okay too.”  He turns away, grabbing his crutches and gingerly gets out of the car.  He walks in front of the car and up onto the sidewalk before he stops at her window.  He leans down as much as the crutches will allow.  “Take care of yourself Hailey.”  He stands when she only nods, and then slowly makes his way up to his door before slipping inside.</p><p>Hailey blinks rapidly against the tears and stares at his front door long after he disappeared inside.  She had thought choosing to stay in New York was the right decision.  She’d certainly be making a hell of a lot more money there than she did here in Chicago.  She’d called Erin yesterday and told her she wanted to join her team and then all of this happened.  She hadn’t even managed to speak...to tell him she was just trying to protect herself, but something in the way he spoke to her tonight seemed so final...so over, and she hated it.  He wasn’t begging her to stay or fighting for her and she realizes he was trying to do the right thing and let her go, but now...she isn’t so sure that’s what she wants.  </p><p>She has no idea anymore.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. If you never try, you’ll never know</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Look at me...posting before 8pm...Hope you enjoy. Im not sure if this is the end or not...I need to reread everything and make sure I got everything I wanted. Thank you for your support in this story!~Nan</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You hit that space bar any harder and you’re gonna bust your keyboard.  What it ever do to you, Jay?”  Adam tries for a joke but it has no effect on him.  He’s been in a terrible mood all morning…all night, really.  </p><p>He’s tired and his leg is sore and he’s regretting coming in at all today, but he thought if he stayed at home all day moping around, he would go crazy.  Instead, he chose to come and catch up on some paperwork, but now he’s thinking it may have been better if he just stayed home.  Everyone seems to be avoiding him and his sour mood, which is fine with him.  He doesn’t want to talk to anyone anyway.</p><p>He mumbles out an apology to Adam and tries to keep his frustration out of his typing at least.  Despite everything, he manages to get through almost all his paperwork and when he finally glances up from his computer, he’s surprised to see he is alone.  A quick look at his watch tells him it’s nearly noon and everyone must have gone for lunch.</p><p>It’s also less than a half hour until Hailey’s flight leaves.  He sits back in his chair and looks up at the ceiling, letting out a deep breath.  He wonders if he ever will see her again, or if this was the last time.  Things still felt so unresolved, even after he told her what drove him to act the way he did.  It’s just unfinished. </p><p>It had taken everything in him to not beg her to stay with him last night.  He wants her here, and he wants what they were, but he needs for her to want to stay because that’s what she wants...not because he wants her to.  </p><p>The phone rings and he absently picks it up.</p><p>“Hey...you got a visitor.  I’ve apparently been promoted to messenger…” Sergeant Platt’s dry tone breaks into his thoughts and he thanks her after she tells him where to go.  He straightens up his desk and then gathers his crutches up and starts the slow trek down the steps.</p><p>BREAK</p><p>Jaime watches his partner from behind his coffee cup.  She looks like she got even less sleep than he did.  She has barely said a word this entire morning  and it’s a little worrying.  She’d made a lot of progress over the last couple of months opening up and being a part of the team, but the Hailey across from him is almost the same as the Hailey that first came to New York back in March.</p><p>“You know I’m gonna be fine right?  I don’t even need surgery.”  It’s a long shot that she is actually worried about him, but in the off chance that she is, it’s a better starting point than asking her how she could leave a partner like Jay Halstead behind.  In the short time they had worked together, Hailey had not once spoken about her partner back in Chicago.  He had expected him to be an ass or something, but he was neither of those.  Instead, he found him to be loyal, hard working, and a literal life saver.  </p><p>Hailey blinks and focuses on her partner.  She had been thinking about Jay...again.  How he had let her go without a fight or any sign of distress...again.  She had thought that maybe he would ask her to stay, so they could try to work things out but he hadn’t.  ‘Take care of yourself Hailey’  She scoffs internally and then realizes she isn't alone.</p><p>“Sorry...just...being back and then leaving again...it’s a lot, I guess.”  She tries for a smile and is happy when she manages to pull one off.</p><p>“Hailey.”  He waits for her to look at him.  “Are you sure coming back to New York is the right move?”  When her shoulders stiffen and her eyes narrow slightly, he sighs and leans forward.  “Look...you are a great detective, and I’ve enjoyed working with you these last 8 months, but it doesn’t seem like New York is where you want to be.  I saw how different you were here.  You’ve smiled and laughed more in the last three days than the entire time I’ve known you.”  He reaches across the table with his good arm and rests his hand on her briefly.  “Don’t get me wrong...I want to work with you, but you should also be happy too.”  </p><p>All she can do is nod and then look away before he can see the tears gathering in her eyes.  He is right...she doesn’t want to leave again.  She slides her hand out from his and then stands quickly.</p><p>“There’s something I have to do.  I’m not...I’m going to need a later flight but I can arrange it.  Thank you, Jaime...for everything.”  Her hand grazes his shoulder as she rushes out of the little cafe.  Staying or leaving, she wants a straight answer, and she isn’t leaving without one.</p><p>BREAK</p><p>Jay gets to the bottom of the steps and then turns right, away from the entry and starts down the long hallway along the back of the building.  There’s some conference rooms back here and his visitor is waiting for him in one of them.  Platt hadn’t said who it was, but he is pretty sure it’s going to be one of his CI’s.  </p><p>When he reaches the room, he stops for a moment, pulling his shirt down that will inevitably be pulled right back up by the crutches.  Whoever is in the room isn’t visible from the little window in the door.  He knocks quickly to let them know he is here and then he opens the door.</p><p>BREAK</p><p>“To what do I owe this...pleasure, detective?  Or should I say Special Agent?”  Platt had watched as Hailey stood on the steps outside the precinct.  It looked like she was preparing for battle or something.  She had finally shaken her head, set her jaw, and pushed through the doors.</p><p>“Is Jay here?”  She hopes he is, because he hadn’t answered her at his door, and she hadn’t seen his truck parked outside his house.  </p><p>“Yeah.  He came in this morning looking about as mopey as one can be…” At her deadpan stare, Hailey shifts on her feet.</p><p>“Could...would you tell him that he has a visitor?  But don’t tell him it’s me, and then can I use one of the rooms in the back hallway?”  It’s a lot to ask.  Well, not really, but for Hailey to ask someone like Platt it is.  </p><p> </p><p>“Fine...but you owe me...and I never forget a favor.  Got it?”  Platt stares at her for what feels like a full minute and Hailey squirms under her gaze.  Thankfully she hands her a key to one of the rooms in the hallway and Hailey thanks her before taking off to the room.</p><p>Once inside, she heads to the far corner, away from the door.  A part of her worries that if he sees her, maybe he won’t come in.  She wants to pace...she wants to have just gone to the airport with Jaime.  What if the answers she wants, aren’t the ones he gives her?</p><p>She sucks in a breath at the knock on the door and turns to face it just as it pushes open.  He seems happy and then confusion takes over his face.</p><p>“You missed your flight.”  The safe choice of words tumble from his lips instead of the soaring hope that she changed her mind.  Is she staying?</p><p>“I’m taking a later flight.”  When his face falls and then slips into a blank mask, she takes a step towards him.  “You’ve said a lot in the last few days that I needed to think about and try to process.  I just need to know something…” Her voice trails off as she tries to put together the words she wants to say.  She isn’t sure what she wants to say is what comes out.</p><p>“Why didn’t you ask me to stay...last night, you knew I was leaving and you just...you didn’t do a damn thing to change my mind.”  The uncertainty in her voice comes through but there’s an underlying anger too.  </p><p>“Hailey I…” </p><p>“No” She won’t let him talk right now.  He will probably make it out that he was doing the right thing and she doesn’t give a fuck about the right thing, right now.  </p><p>“What do you want, Jay?” She steps closer, her anger winning out because it’s easier to deal with than the vulnerabilitywinding through her.  When he just stares at her, not even attempting to speak she spins away, letting out a sound of pure frustration.</p><p>“For once can you just tell me the truth?  Can you not try to be all noble and sacrificing and just just tell me what you want from me?”  Her chest is rising and falling at a rapid pace that matches her heartbeat.  She doesn’t turn back to him, afraid of the rejection she is certain is coming.  A minute passes and he still says nothing and she lets her breath out slowly. </p><p>“You know what?  Forget it...I’m going back to New York.  I don’t know why I thought this time would be any different.”  The sadness coming through makes her even angrier but it's the hurt that wins out.  She turns and starts to walk to the door, stopping briefly as she passes him.</p><p>“Goodbye Jay.”  She wants to reach out to touch him so she shoves her hands into her pockets instead.  He still says nothing and she lowers her head, shaking it sadly before she walks out of the room.</p><p>BREAK</p><p>Hundreds of images and moments are flashing through his head.  The first time he saw her in that bank.  The first time she had smiled at him.  Hearing her laughter bubble out of her...It’s all playing out in his head and he is aware she is leaving but he can’t seem to get his mouth or his body to do a thing.  </p><p>There’s an image that his mind keeps circling back to.  It was during that night he had gone to her, needing her.  She had been on his lap and she had pressed her hand to the side of his face, looking at him like he was the most important person in her world.  ‘Whatever you need Jay.’ That’s what he wants.  For her to look at him like that again and he doesn’t care if that makes him selfish.  He’s tired of doing the right thing.  </p><p>He hurries to pull out his cell, pressing one of his speed dials.</p><p>“What do you want Halstead?  I’m busy here.”</p><p>“Don’t let her leave!  Please...I’m coming, just don’t let her leave.”  Hopefully she realizes he is talking about Hailey and that he wants Platt to stop her so he can catch up to her.</p><p>“You guys are just piling on the favors, you know that?  I got it.”  He lets out a relieved breath and then starts down the hallway as quickly as he can with the stupid crutches.</p><p>He rounds the corner and sees her from behind as she stands in the small room off the bottom of the stairwell.  Platt has a pile of what looks like flyers that she is trying to stall her with.  Jay hurries to the door and then nods at Platt, silently thanking her for helping him.  When she leaves, Jay closes the door and then approaches Hailey.</p><p>He knows she can tell it’s him.  The sound his crutches make is a dead giveaway.  She stands perfectly still and he continues to inch closer to her until he can touch her.  His hand reaches out and touches her hip and he squeezes it slightly when he feels her body tense.  He leans in close, his body pressing up against her from behind and he can feel the shiver that takes over her body.</p><p>“I want you, Hailey.  I just want you...anyway I can have you...anyway you let me in.  That’s what I want...and I don’t care if that makes me selfish.” He steps back, allowing her to turn and face him, and his hand moves to the side of her face.</p><p>“Go to New York...do what you need to do.  Take the time that you need, Hailey.  And when you’re ready, I’ll be here...waiting, because you are worth waiting for.”  He presses his forehead to hers and can feel the way her breath hitches.  If she cries, he thinks he might break down and truly beg her not to leave him.  </p><p>“Is that clear enough for you?”  He takes a step back, breaking contact with her and he misses her immediately.  </p><p>“The other day you said you wanted to be my friend.  You made it seem like that was all you wanted.  What’s changed?  Why should I trust you now, when even 5 minutes ago, you couldn’t give me an answer?”  Hope is threatening to burst her to pieces and she tries hard to keep herself together so she can get some straight answers from him.  Her question hurts him and she sees the way he struggles to rein that hurt in.</p><p>“That is a fair question and I deserve your doubt.”  He sets his crutches down and gingerly lowers himself into one of the chairs around the table before he starts again.  “I saw you at the bar the first night you were here and uh...Will, he was with me.  He saw you walk in and was pretty surprised.  He kept trying to get me to go over to you and talk to you but I couldn’t do it...not in front of everyone.”  He stretches out his injured leg and gently rubs at the skin on either side of the bandage.  “Will was pissed at me...when he found out what I did and then again when I refused to speak to you that night.  He uh...he started saying all this stuff about you...about how maybe Jaime was more than just your partner and that maybe it’s him you go home to.  He was talking about how you were gonna get married and I’d have to watch you live your life from a distance.”  His hand drags over his face like he can erase that conversation even though he knows he can’t.  </p><p>“I hated it...thinking about those things…”</p><p>“So you want me because you don’t want anyone else to have me?”  She cuts him off and as she asks him, she is trying to wrap her head around what he said.</p><p>“No...that isn’t what I meant.  I don’t want to watch you have a life with someone, because I want that.  I want that with you.”  He stands again, the need to touch her too strong to ignore.  He leaves his crutches and hobbles to her, both hands reaching out to grip her biceps.  “I want to be the guy you come home to...the guy who’s last name you take.  I want a house and kids and...forever Hailey.  I want forever, and I want it with you.”  One hand stays put while the other slides up and around to the back of her neck.  “I swear to you, Hailey...If you give me a chance, I will never stop showing you how much I care about you...how much you mean to me.  I just...I just need a chance.”  He wants to kiss her now more than he ever has before, but he stays put, hovering a mere inch from her lips. </p><p>“You looked at me once like I was the most important person and I want that back.  I’m so sorry…”</p><p>She cuts him off with a kiss, tentatively sliding her lips over his.  She heard what she needed to hear and then some.  He wants her...and not just for a little while.  He wants her and she isn’t sure if she should cry or laugh...maybe burst into song like one of those sappy romantic comedies that run at night.  Somehow she finds the strength to pull away and looks up at him, a small smile playing at her lips.</p><p>“I don’t think my paperwork would have gone through yet.  I can call and tell her I’ve changed my mind, that I don’t…”</p><p>“Hey?”  He presses his fingers to her mouth to stop her from talking.  “If you want to be in New York that’s fine.  I meant what I said...I can wait, Hailey.  If it’s what you want, don’t let it go for me.  We can figure something out, okay?”  He pulls her into his chest and feels her nod against him.  </p><p>“I have to go back no matter what.  My stuff is there still.”  She tries not to be too embarrassed when her stomach lets out a loud pang of hunger and she happily accepts Jay’s invite to a late lunch.  </p><p>They eat at a food truck close enough to the airport so Jay can just drop off Hailey when it’s time.  It feels easier now...letting her go.  It isn’t painful like the last time and he knows that this time they will at least be keeping in touch.  If she decides she wants to stay in New York, he’s going to have to figure out what all is involved in transferring because while he is fine waiting for her, he’s gonna be as close to her as possible while he does.  He really doesn’t care where they go, as long she is next to him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Epilogue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jay knows exactly what his oldest daughter is going to say even before he finishes securing the hair elastic to the bottom of her braid.  He smooths his hand over the finished look and then tells her to go check in the bathroom and make sure it’s okay.  She’s only 8, but the way she acts sometimes...he swears she is already a teen.</p><p>He waits for her to shout it, ‘mom does it better’ or sometimes she tells him ‘this isn’t how mom does it’ and she will let out a sound of frustration so like Hailey that he can’t help but smile.  When he hears nothing, he stands and heads after her.  He finds her in her bedroom getting her backpack ready to go.</p><p>“What’s going on, Gracie?”  She stays quiet and moves to grab a pair of shoes.  “Gracie?”  He goes to help her with her backpack and she snaps at him.</p><p>“I’m NOT a baby!”  Gracie pulls her bag up and onto her back and then goes to leave but Jay stops her.</p><p>“Sweetheart, I can’t help you feel better if you don’t tell me what’s bothering you.  Is it the braid?  I can take it out.”  He drops to a knee so he’s eye level with her, and then his thumbs brush at the tears that start to fall.  With a quick push, he slides her bag back to the floor and then pulls her into a tight hug.  One hand holds her head and the other smooths over her back, trying to calm her.  He can’t quite make out what she says, but he feels her mumble something against his neck, so he leans back some to hear her better.</p><p>“What was that?”  He’s busy wiping her tears again in a second.</p><p>“It’s Breakfast with Mom day at school today.”  She hiccups it out and Jay instantly realized why she is so upset.  He remembers a few weeks ago when Gracie had brought the paper home and Hailey had told her she wouldn’t miss it.  She had been sent to New York two days later and has been there since.</p><p>“You know what?  I think…” His hand presses against her forehead.  “Yep...you look a little sick...you should probably stay home today.”  He gets the little smile he was hoping for and then tells her to change out of her uniform and then come downstairs so they can take the boys to daycare.  When he’s almost at the top of the stairs, she calls out to him.</p><p>“Daddy?  Thank you for my braid.  It’s very pretty.”  And then she hurries back into her room just as Jay smiles.  The braid better have been perfect.  After the last time Hailey had been sent to New York and Gracie had thrown a fit every time Jay had to do her hair, he had called Kim.  She had a friend who was a hairdresser and he asked her for help learning how to do his daughters' hair.  </p><p>He had spent two weeks sneaking away to get in some time with her friend so he could practice and learn the easiest way to do hair.  Hailey had gotten suspicious and he had had to sit her down on the ottoman in the living room and then he carefully braided her hair while he told her what he had been up to.  She had told him he was the best father and that she loved him so much.  He had pulled her back against him to whisper in her ear that he loved her too...the forever kind.</p><p>“DADDY!”  Lucas, Jay and Hailey’s 5 year old son screamed at him from the top of the steps and he snaps back to the present.  There is never a dull moment here…</p><p>“DADDY!  Jason put my car in the toilet!”  Jay groans and takes the steps two at a time in case Lucas tries to retaliate.  He hopes at least the toilet had been flushed recently.  He isn’t prepared for the state that the bathroom is in when he finally enters it though.</p><p>“Wolfpack!”  Just as expected, two sets of feet come barreling down the hall and stop just inside the bathroom, followed by the softer slower approach of Gracie.</p><p>“Explain…” Jay waits patiently while Lucas and Jason both try to say it wasn’t them and Gracie calmly points out that she had been getting changed so it clearly wasn’t her.  He dismisses Gracie and then focuses on his boys.</p><p>“If no one is going to confess, then we all will lose out on ice cream tonight.”  The boys are easy to deal with...threaten to cancel dessert and they crack immediately.  Gracie on the other hand, is getting increasingly harder.  He’s thankful he was able to figure out what the issue was this morning as quickly as he did.</p><p>“No ice cream?”  Jason, the youngest at 3 ½, finally speaks.  Jay tries to keep a straight face at the way his son says ice cream...it sounds like ‘Ishh keem.</p><p>“Not even a taste.”  At their horrified looks, he knows they are about to confess so he waits patiently, his hips leaning against the sink, arms folded across his chest.</p><p>“Jason started it!”  Lucas starts, but at Jay’s unimpressed look he rethinks his answer.  “He did start it, but...I didn’t stop him and then it looked kind of fun to throw the toilet paper.  I’m sorry.”  He starts to clean it up and thanks Jason when he starts to help too.</p><p>“Come on guys.  I’ll help too.  No ice cream nights are the worst!”  Jay bends to pick some of the wet paper from the floor and then helps the boys wash their hands once they are done and then hurries them to get coats and shoes so they can leave.</p><p>BREAK</p><p>Just after Jay and Gracie get back in the car once they drop the boys off, his cell rings.  He answers without looking, knowing it’s either work, or Hailey.</p><p>“Is she with you?”  Hailey doesn’t bother with a greeting, just cuts right to the point.     She can’t believe she missed this.  She feels terrible.</p><p>Jay doesn’t really speak with words, instead humming or giving a little grunt so his daughter doesn’t know Hailey is on the other end of the phone.  It’s a quick conversation, barely lasting 3 minutes, but Hailey manages to get from Jay’s short answers that Gracie is upset and he isn’t sure how mad she is.  Hailey tells him that she should be home late tonight and they can talk more then.</p><p>BREAK</p><p>It’s nearly 10:30pm when Hailey finally makes her way up the sidewalk and into the house.  The lights were out upstairs and she knows her babies are all asleep, but the kitchen light had been on downstairs so she heads in that direction, ready to see Jay.</p><p>His back is to her as he washes up some of the last dishes of the day.  She doesn’t make her presence known, just leans against the door frame, her head resting there as she takes him in.</p><p>Her love for him still makes her heart feel like it stops beating and like it’s exploding all at the same time.  Their friends and coworkers who see them together in a non work setting always pretend to be disgusted with how happy they are.  They always joke that no one could possibly be this content but they are.  It had taken a couple of months when they first started dating for real, where things were a little rocky and uncertain, but they had figured it out.  </p><p>Hailey had decided to stay on with the FBI, but happily accepted the transfer offer Erin had given her, and she was back in Chicago after a month.  She had kept in touch with Jaime and Erin over the years, and was even a godmother of one of Jaime’s little girls.  </p><p>She spends at least one night at Erin’s house every time she is sent to New York, and had actually spent a whole week there this time.  Erin married someone she thought she couldn’t stand, but somehow, they ended up being perfect for each other.  They’ve got a little boy named Tucker and even though Erin hadn’t mentioned anything this visit, Hailey is pretty sure she is pregnant again. </p><p>She’s thankful for her friendship with Erin, and she’s happy that things had been worked out between Erin and Jay.  Erin hadn’t necessarily been a strain on her and Jay’s relationship, but there was a brief moment where she thought she was going to have to give her friendship with Erin up.  </p><p>BREAK</p><p>9 years ago</p><p>“I swear, this guy came in and started handing out orders left and right to my team and I almost lost it.  Like...who does he think he is?”  The man in question, Cash Hulton, was head of the unit Erin’s team was currently working with.  Even over the phone, Hailey could tell that it wasn’t all hate and loathing coming from Erin.  She ‘liked’ him...and that probably pissed her off the most.</p><p>Hailey hears the front door open and waves to Jay from her spot on the couch.  He gives her a quick kiss on top of her head and motions about a shower before he disappears upstairs.  </p><p>She is still on the phone when he comes down not even 15 minutes later.  He drops down on the far end of the couch and lifts her legs so they sit in his lap.  She gives a slow nod when he mouths ‘work’ at her.  It’s sort of work...in a roundabout way.  She doesn’t mean to keep her ongoing friendship a secret, she just isn’t sure how he is going to take it.  Most of their conversations happen via email or texts every so often, but occasionally, Erin will call her.  </p><p>“You’ve gone quiet...He’s home?”  Erin tries to be quiet too, not wanting to cause any trouble in their relationship.  She’s happy for both of them.</p><p>“Yep” Hailey pops the ‘p’ with a smile towards Jay and then says her goodbye after Erin tells her she will talk to her later.  When she hangs up the phone, she tosses it onto the coffee table and then slides closer to Jay.</p><p>“Was uh...was that Erin?”  Jay is pretty sure it was.  Even over the phone, her voice is unmistakable.  When Hailey’s face shifts into shock, he gets his answer.</p><p>“I’m sorry.  I wasn’t trying to keep it a secret...or, well maybe I was.  But only because I was worried about how you’d react and honestly, I didn’t really expect us to stay friends, but she’s funny and we just sort of clicked.  If you don’t want me to be friends with her…”</p><p>Jay has to physically stop her from the sudden bout of verbal diarrhea by clamping his hand over her mouth.  She had just shot her confession to him at a hundred miles an hour and while he missed some, he definitely heard her say something along the lines of him not wanting her to be friends with Erin.</p><p>“Hailey, breathe.”  His hands move to tangle in her hair and he makes sure her eyes are on his.  “I would never...never, tell you who you can and cannot be friends with.  Ever.  You got that?”  He doesn’t mean to make it such a serious thing, but the thought of her thinking he is somehow controlling her life...he doesn’t want her to think like that.  “You’re my wife, and I love you...but you can’t...I don’t want you to feel like you can’t tell me things.  Our whole world is about to change, and we don’t have room for secrets, okay?”  His hands smooth down her arms and around to her stomach where a barely visible bump is hiding beneath one of his shirts. </p><p>“If you want to be friends with Erin, I’m not going to stop you.  I think that maybe...maybe she and I should talk though.  Just so things aren’t weird if she comes here to see you or something.”  He pulls her fully onto his lap, her back to his front and his arms wrap around her to rest on her stomach, rubbing the tiny bump there.</p><p>“You’re sure?”  Hailey turns her head slightly to look up at him.</p><p>“It’s probably past time anyway...It’s not a big deal.  I won’t let it be.”  </p><p>It hadn’t been either.  A week later, Hailey had set up a video call and all three of them started out together.  It was a little awkward at first, but things started to get a little better towards the end.  Hailey had let the two of them talk things out alone for a bit and when she came back in the room, Jay’s eyes were a little red and Erin’s voice was even raspier than normal.  Jay had told her that they still had a long way to go before he was ready to see her in person, but he was willing to try.  </p><p>Erin came when Gracie was born and ever since then, Jay and Erin had continued to work on their friendship.  By the time Lucas was born, they were both comfortable with where they had managed to get considering how bad things were when they started.</p><p>BREAK</p><p>There is nothing Jay wouldn’t do for her, and looking at him now, she knows that everything they have been through, all the struggles and heartache they managed to survive, was all worth it.  She takes a deep breath and then speaks once the water is turned off.</p><p>“Hey.”  Her voice is quiet, but Jay turns with a smile and open arms which she happily lets surround her.</p><p>“Missed you.”  His lips meet hers in a brief kiss and then he pulls back slightly to look down at her.  She looks a little tired, and there’s something else in her eyes that has him a little worried.</p><p>“Hails?”  His worry increases when her breath hitches and tears instantly fill her eyes.</p><p>“I’m okay...it’s not...I put in my notice before I left New York.  I don’t want to be away all the time anymore.”  She manages to get out the gist of what happened after her phone call to him this morning.  She doesn’t travel to New York all the time truly, but every time she does, it’s at least 2 weeks she has to be gone and it gets harder and harder every time she gets on that plane.</p><p>“What?”  Shock moves through him and it takes him a moment to gather his thoughts.  They have talked about her leaving the FBI a couple of times over the years, but they haven’t talked about it recently at all.  This is completely out of the blue.</p><p>“I called Hank on the way to the airport and he said he would set me up with something as soon as he can.”  He hadn’t immediately offered her a spot back on his team which had hurt a little, but she knows it isn’t personal.  There isn’t an opening.</p><p>“Hey?  You know I’ll support you no matter what, but are you sure this is what you want?”  He studies her, watching as she struggles with her own internal battle.</p><p>“I don’t want her to be disappointed or feel like I let her down, Jay.  I grew up with that...I don’t want my kids to feel like they don’t matter or like my job is more important than them.”  She wipes angrily at the tears that fall and lays her head on Jay’s shoulder when he pulls her tight against him.</p><p>“She knows how important your job is Hailey.  She was upset, but she’s fine now.”  His hand slides up to cradle her head and then he starts to rock her gently back and forth.  It’s something that he started doing after Gracie was born.  He had gotten so used to just swaying back and forth while he held her, that anytime he held Hailey, he almost always ended up rocking her.  She never stops him, it’s soothing and she likes it.</p><p>“I know.  I do, I just don’t want to miss things...even if it’s something as small as a crappy breakfast at the school, because to her, it’s a big deal.  I just...I think it’s time, and I know that I should have talked about it with you, but I promise you, I’m not making this decision on a whim.  I know what I want and I’m doing it.”  Her voice is slightly muffled against his neck, but he hears her, because he whispers against the top of her head that he’s with her...no matter what.</p><p>“I love you, Jay.”  Her lips touch his just as he tells her he loves her too, and then they head upstairs, intent on showing the other just how much they love them.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks to everyone who read this and left a kudo or a review.  I appreciate every single one!  I hope you enjoyed this little addition and look in Jay and Hailey’s life.</p><p>Oddly enough, when I finished this story, I didn’t have plans to do another story for a while, but I got an idea for another sequel to the If you know me and Where do we go from here series.  So be on the lookout for that over the next could’ve of weeks.</p><p>Thanks~Nan</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Let me know what you think!~Nan</p></blockquote></div></div>
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